Just As i Am...


i fake it so real, i am BEYOND fake. and some day, you will ache like i ache

i swear i can't make up half the crap that happens to me. Thursday was supposed to be a promising day. i've had a shit week. stress. school. bills. getting dumped via TEXT MESSAGE. thursday would be the GOOD DAY! was it? NOPE! first off, my LO got pulled from the scrap gallery. i just don't think they're ready for this jelly. Anyway, i try to keep the scrap stuff off of here. but i had a sh'load of emails asking me for a link to my LO. So HERE IT IS mainly because i can't respond to 45 emails a day. it's been fantastic knowing that i am being supported. and after about 100+ emails i've found a few that really struck a chord with me and i will cherish forever. I'm no artist. i'm just trying to capture life. and if you know me. you know that it's crazy. if you don't know me... well, here you go!!!

So, Thursday i had to give a big presentation for my Microbiology class on HIV/AIDS. I'm running late, as usual, and i'm rushing to class, when all of a sudden...
sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip! what the heck?! i fell in a big puddle of mud! i can't make this up! it happened. This is at 9:01am. My presentation was supposed to start at 9:00. my purse contents are all over the place. my nicely typed papers are covered in mud. i have mud all over my legs, arse, arms, hands, forehead (please don't ask how that happened cause i don't know) so i had to give my speech in front of everyone. covered in mud.

this is what my pants looked like. and if you look closely, you can see all the mud on my shoes. It was horrible. and the girls that were out smoking when i fell, kept asking if i was hurt. "Just my pride"

So i get to class and hold out my muddied up hands and my Prof is like "holy cow! go wash up quickly"

I come back and give my speech. yada yada. i still have mouth ulcers so i had to Orajel-it-up. which resulted in numbness and excessive saliva production. i was probably up there slobberin' as well. hpmh.

After class, i decide i'm going to run back to Amarillo to pay my cell phone bill because it's been shut off for two days. and i can't take it anymore. and then i hit up Barnes and Noble, pick up the book i'd ordered and drink me a nice mocha-something-frappa-latte-thingamajigger. I end up getting side tracked by all the art books and "New Arrivals" table. then it's time to go home to take a quick "post-mud" shower before going to my biology lab.

I'm calling the boss at OG, "i'm going to be late for my 5 o'clock shift" and i say "dave, i'll be late. and i have to let you go, because i'm getting pulled over" Mind you, i just paid off those damn warrants, so i'm flippin' out because the lady had told me to keep the receipt "just in case" Can i find it in the mess that is my car? hell no. what about driver's license and registration? nope. What did i get a ticket for? Expired registration. no driver's license. no proof of insurance. sigh. i really need to get my shit straight.

I go home to take a shower. defeated. yes, chriselda, this day CAN get worse. and did it? YES! on the way to school i hit another damn bird. feathers flew everywhere. blood and birdie guts all over my hood. i have a thing for birds. and "the bird" haha!

Get to school. realized i've forgotten my Identification of Unknown Bacteria Handout. lordy lord. it's due at 5pm. yeah, so i found it. finished it. My bacteria was "Klebsiella Planticola" in case you were all wondering.

then i had to work.


this weekend is payday weekend. but i'm already broke. it's 4am here. and i'm up scrappin' and bloggin. school ends in two weeks. sigh. then life begins. but!!! pickler is gone!!! hallelujah! Lunch date this week with someone that i think i'm sorta interested in. known him for a few years. it's been weird. i'm old. old for this.


gawd, sometimes i humor even MYSELF

I created quite a ruckus with my Untouchable Face Layout over on the Two Peas Message Board
i have no apologies for the themes i chose to scrap. i am a walking Parental Advisory label. but still, i was surprised that the outcome of yesterday's mess was an awesome group of women who supported the art of scrapbooking regardless what you're doing. so long as you're real. just when i was losing faith in the two pease clan... they go and do this!! LOVE IT!

Next - here are some random IMing conversations with my friends who shall remain anonymous
Brynne: i haven't seen Beaches or Steel Magnolias
Me: what?! how does this happen? did your mom lock you up in a room??
B: yes, and my sisters would sneak bread under the door for me!!

Me: i feel pretty. oh so pretty
Tina: lol
Me: girl, i'm so fat i can't even suck it in anymore
T: tell me about it. (insert vomitting smiley) <- that's what i should be doing! T: i think i have a tuma. that's what makes me look so heavy
Me: it's not a tuma (RAK to the person who can tell me what that's from!!)
Me: dammit! i hate it when i laugh so hard i pee. damn post childbirth bladder
T: yup. i've had it since i was 16
Me: i need some depends. i'm about to go strap on one of laken's diapers
T: i used a diaper when my water broke once.
Me: the other day at work i couldn't shake that "not so fresh" feeling pissed me off!
T: you're stupid!
Me: i'm serious... it was in the pitular region. you know, the pits!! BAN BODY ODOR!
T: my cat had kittens. and my other one is pregnant. damn hoochies! the boy cats come wait at the door for them...
Me: who are they getting knocked up by?
T: there are too many to know
Me: remember that time you dogsat for me and daisy came back and performed oral sex on pekeens?? what are you teaching your pets??

thank gawd for instant messengers.... (ok, maybe not so anonymous after all.. teehee)

Also had a short photoshoot with Jessica, my roommate. You can see her photos by clickin' here. It was about ten minutes long and i totally jacklifted Amby's whole railroad tracks thing. but ours have no trees. in fact, i'd be hard pressed to find a tree in amarillo, period. So they are boring. not as good as i'd like but ok, given the circumstances.

anyway, toodle-loo i'm going to bed. sigh


lately i...

* have been staying up at all hours of the night. last night i was up until 6am scrappin' away.

* have been so stressed i have several mouth ulcers (and it sucks to get TABASCO SAUCE ON THEM!!!!)

* have been staring at a stack of CJs about 2 feet tall. April... it's coming!! CJ NAZI

* have been commenting on my "friends" myspace pages. gawd i hate myspace. but i'm bored at 4am.

* have been playing with photoshop like mad! i took this photo of myself the other night after coming home from the "Dollar Store" I was a bit tipsy even though i had only had two drinks. This is because i'm doing the whole ATKINS thing and had no carbs to soak up the alcohol. I then proceeded to play with PS until i got something i liked. this is what i came up with! love this now! wish i looked that skinny all the time.

* have been waiting tables at OG. i usually don't. i just run food. but i worked a double Sunday and when one lady snapped at me during "church rush" lunch hour, i felt like saying, "HEY! that's not very Christian-like!" just to throw her off. people don't have to be ugly to me just because i'm a lowly waitress... i am doing something with my life you jackholes!

* have been wanting to spend time with my little sissies but when i called Saturday night to see if she wanted to go dancing, her mom told me she had moved back to Dallas. WTF? But, we had a bday party at the Dollar Store for Amy's boyfriend. About three girls that work there went to high school with me. How ambitious.

(side note, the term "Dollar Store" is a phrase coined by amy. think about it. a club that would require lots of dollars.) Anyway, funny story. one of the guys in our group really liked this HAWT gothic girl. amy and i befriended her in the loo. anyway, at work sunday night i saw a girl that looked familiar. and i told one of the guys she looked familiar. and then BAM it hit me... she looked like the girl from the toiley. He said, "go ask" and i said "i can't go ask her that. she's with her parents!!" and then told him that if she'd simply take her shirt off and i could decide. haha!

* have been developing a thick, southern, texas accent. very similar to Pickler's. I say naaace (nice), how are y'all do-in, awlright, and awwwwced teh (iced tea). Not to mention that i yelled out "William, can you tea bag me?!" today when i had to get hot tea for a lady. working in a restaurant is so raunchy. it's effin' summer psychos! don't order soup. don't order hot tea. especially not when it's 80 outside.

* have seemed to pick up smoking again. not a big deal. i've had a few over the course of a couple of weeks. and i know stress isn't an excuse. so, i'll put this one out there. i went to the convenience store and found a lighter that said "the ONLY reason i date men inferior to me is BECAUSE that's the only KIND there are." and i had to buy it. so i got some cigarettes to go along with it.

* have been seriously falling head over heels in love with my son. He's getting a little more interactive and playful and just darn cute. this is the fun age. love this kid!!

* have been avoiding school work. argh. i have so much crap to do.

so, with that being said... i'm off like a prom dress!

4 pounds down. 46 more to go....



what the hell happened last night on American Idol??? my Ace Yum is gone. and i'll be the first to say that he was suckin' lately. but c'mon... ELLIOT YAMIN is still there??? he stayed and Ace left? Pickler is still there? what the eff?? i got several phone calls after the show ended. everyone knows how much i liked this cat. when he was on... he was ON!!! dammit! and now i have to put up with Elliot and "what's a ballsy?" Might as well bring back chicken little while you're effin' at it...

if Katherine McPhee doesn't win this thing... i will never watch another season.

and raina, i'm holding YOU personally responsible for this due to your dirty comments on my AI post about ace! and even the judges commented on chris's make up. bwahahaha. i so thought of you when they mentioned it. LOOK WHAT YOU DID RAINA!!!! i'm not stalking you anymore until you post a tribute about him on your blog. (yes, that's a threat!)


What doesn't kill you, only makes you wish you were dead...

so, i keep seeing these everywhere because Scott had it on his blog to start with. I think if he scrapbooked... he'd be the perfect man. bwahaha! anyway, because i secretly want to be just like him...

1. Never in my life: have i seen "The Goonies" or "The Wizard of Oz" and it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I watched "Willy Wonka" or "Snow White." i know. i know...

2. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always manage to make me smile: the human population in general. i smile easy. and i get annoyed easy.

3. High School was: such a blur. and so long ago.

4. When I'm nervous: my upper lip starts twitching and i lose control of mouth movement. it's very similar to those Anime shows. where you see their mouths moving but there is no way it matches what they are saying...

5. My hair: hurts. i have thick hair. and when it is time for a haircut, i can tell because it starts weighing down and hurting. then i go and have it cut and thinned. nice.

6. When I was 5: shoved a rock up my nose to see if it would fit. i got a bloody nose and then yelled at. I was remembering this the other night. i don't think i remember it ever coming out. maybe it's morphed into some memory sucker on my brain...

7. Last Christmas: i gave you my heart. but the very next day. you gave it away. this year, to save me from tears... i'll give it to someone special... tee hee!

8. When I turn my head left, I see: out my living room window and into my neighbor's mini greenhouse. I lovingly call her "the plant lady" because she has tons of them!

9. I should be: studying for physics and chemistry. (how interesting that my answer was the same as Jocelyn's. - add Genetics to that mix as well, please)

10. When I look down I see: my cell phone being charged. and my fat belly saying "Babies!!! i EAT BABIES!!!"

11. Craziest most recent event: almost being thrown in jail. twice. HANDS DOWN!

12. If I were a character on Friends I'd be: Rachel. skinny bitch. this is who i'd want to be. but i'd probably consider myself most like Joey. kinda dumb, out of the loop, and just here for the food!

13. I have a hard time understanding: most things in life. i think i overanalyze things. this is why i envy laken's ability to just love it all. i dissect, study, and poke at things to find WRONG with everything... such a pessimist/cynic/realist

14. Take my advice: figure out who you are. and deal with it.

15. My ideal breakfast is: a piece of cold pizza and a nice, cold Dr. Pepper. i'm real big into breakfast foods. but if i could eat lunch all day... i would.

16. If you visit the place I grew up: you would be extremely bored of the "home of the ding dong daddies" and ask to be excused from this field trip should it ever occur again...

17. If you spend the night at my house: i'd let you sleep on my bed because i'm so nice. i'll even wash the sheets before you come in just to be courteous. However, as Brynne can confirm, those sheets very rarely make it onto the bed before you end up sleeping in it. haha!

18. I'd stop my wedding if: i ever had one doubt in my mind that it was wrong. been there done that. and didn't stop it. i should've known it was a bad idea to get married when i wrecked my car on the way there, vomitted once i got to the site, couldn't say the vows because my Japanese Anime mouth was going 100 miles a minute... but NO! i still got married. and 5 years later i'm here talking about my NEXT wedding/marriage.

19. The world could do without: pantyhose. late fees. Dubya. the requirement to learn physics and calculus just to become a doctor. Skinny people with fast metabolisms. Dr. Phil.

20. Most recent thing you've bought yourself: a ticket out of jail...

21. Most recent thing someone else bought for you: a ticket out of jail.... the Maternal unit paid. but oh lord is she the BEST bill collector ever! there goes saving my decaying teeth...

22. My favorite blonde is: what?? hmmm. i dunno. Jenny McCarthy. Pfab. AmberNichole. Megan D. Amy Hart. K-lala. Raina. Brynne, are you blonde? oh lord. i really can't do this right now...

23. My favorite brunette is: myself. duh!

24. The last time I was drunk was: oh lord. please scroll down to a post below. nuf said..

25. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: i hate flying animals. they always find their way into my windshield or front bumper. and because of this very reason, i think the animal population would be much safer if either A) they didn't fly or B) i didn't drive...

26. I shouldn't have been: so stupid to think that this would all work out.

27. Last night I: spit water out all over the place when Ace on American Idol said he was going to "Take it all night" Guess that confirmed the gay question.

28. There's this girl I know who: who takes on too much because she is ignorant about her boundaries and therefore, honestly, deserves every bit of chaos and insanity in her life. this girl can't ever figure out which end is up and is never clear on anything in her life. there is nothing stable. nothing solid. she is wishy washy. she has ADD. she is flaky. indifferent. and just flat out crazy. because she can't get her shit straight. because she doesn't know how. because every decision she makes is ultimately a bad one. and they just keep on a'coming. and she knows this. but doesn't know how to fix it. and it's too late. hows that for social work??

29. I don't know: what is going to happen. and i find some sick pleasure in that...


Road Closed Ahead... please use detour...

turn it up. i found a new band and if you haven't already heard of Belly - you should check them out. they are my video over to the side. great stuff. rather "refreshing"

oh and... i highly recommend that you head on over to these gals blogs to see the following things that make me piddle my britches...

American Idol Drinking Game...


Jew Dogs...

two funny gals that really deserve a "WHAT UP!!!" maybe your commenting would encourage them to come out of blog hiding and humor us all with their crazy wit.

i give them my personal vote!! bwhahahaha. cracks me up!


Wasted away again...

soooooo. because my last post included my LO for the New Dare, and because KAT'S post about drunkeness and passing out... i was reminded me of all the insane moments of being drunk and why i stopped drinking like that.

For starters, i've been drinking since i was 14. my friend (and current roommate) Jessica and i used to sneak Zimas with lime. it was awesome. One time we went out to the park and i was so toasted and was riding the Teeter Totter with a friend and decided i was "done with that" so i jumped off. He came crashing down and was totally pissed.

After years of drinking and finally becoming "legal," i decided i was "done with that" because all of my interesting stories started off with "One time when i was drunk..." and it was depressing. i drank my youth away.

** Amy and i got drunk on the lawn of my apartment complex's Maintenence guy. We were both minors, and he was totally CONTRIBUTING, and we passed out in the lawn until the sprinklers went off the next morning. Not good.

** Falling asleep while dancing a slow country song... is very possible. Getting asked for a second dance after doing that, was very impossible.

** That same night, my friends drove me home and we had to stop to get gas. Since i was clearly unable to operate flammables, they sent me in to pay. Somewhere between "i need $10 on pump five" and "here's your receipt," i managed to pass out on the counter. i guess the guy just stood there not knowing what to do and my friends came in to rescue me. (or him)

** Of course, i got drunk and passed out at IHOP when brynne was in town. started yelling about wheat noodles.

** I wrecked my car one night. and since it was still under my mom's name and i was only 18, i freaked out thinking she would be pissed. This was the night i hit a recliner. Yes, it's a true story. (I have pictures and a Layout to prove it) Afterward, i got completely drunk off a bottle of tequila. I was 100% sober before i got home. but tried to medicate myself with the worm! I ended up completely trashed, trying to stablize myself on a water bed, sitting in my own vomit, falling into the laundry basket, and taking swigs straight from the bottle - no chaser, and spitting chewed up pieces of chocolate into my friend's mouth. All this happened while we were being filmed in all of our stupidity. I was hungover for TWO WEEKS!! i'm not kidding.

** Then i got drunk when i was around 22 at a radio station function. I was working for the station that was hosting an "Unplugged" and being a radio personality always meant someone was willing to buy you drinks. I was in "uniform" and after a shot of tequila, i failed to take it like a man, and turned my head and just vomitted all over myself. I didn't even gag. i just opened my mouth and out it came. That night ended with me getting into a fight with an oak tree because my friends told me i was a power puff girl and that it was Mojo Jojo! cruelty!

** then there was the time i got trashed. and pregnant.

i don't drink much these days...


i try not to make posts about scrapbooking because i really don't want this blog to be about that. but, it is a part of my life and i'm soooooo out of things to say. So, here you go! First off, i've been in a slump (creatively speaking) so some of these make me happy, some don't. but nonetheless... i've been CREATING! and that feels good, no matter what the outcome!

This is for the newest Dare. You have to fill in the blank "Real Women ___" and then this happened. i found an old intoxicated picture of myself. i'm not really proud of it, but passing out at TGIFridays and being photographed doing so (along with a number of other crazy things) is something that i can look back on and realize i'm glad i'm past this stage. this used to be what i LIVED for! and while i wasn't very good at being publicly drunk, i was still a woman under all that, just learning her way around life. and now, i still pass out at IHOP but it's more because i'm old and can't hang! WHERE ARE MY WHEAT NOODLES?!

this is for Sarah's RED CJ. this was so much fun and i wish i could keep this amazing CJ. it looks much better in person, i promise, this picture does the colors no justice. and i changed my photo to colored pencil in photoshop. which added a nice touch. too bad it looks crappy here...

this LO is a result of my mom harping on my parenting skills the other day. it really hurt to hear that i'm not doing a good job like i could be doing. and that just might be true. but i have to remind myself that i'm doing this super human job for the very first time alone. and that while i'm not perfect at being a mommy, that my son is taken care of, loved, and truly my blessing. He is my life and nobody can or SHOULD ever tell me differently. I am ...

laken and i spent the day wednesday running around town. we went to the Botanical Gardens which weren't so botanical. didn't really offer much for photos but i did get this shot of laken seriously studying his shadow and the sidewalk. i love this picture! wanted to keep the focus on it. so this was simple. i love my white pen (THANKS TRACI!) and that paper is GAWGEOUS in person. i wish i could believe in the small things the same way laken does...

And last, but certainly not least. i want to (ahem) apologize for being such a bad friend. This tag is for my girl Jen who's birthday was so long ago that we're counting down for the next one already! I organized a little tag doodad thing for her and then never posted my own tag. She designs Tshirts, so i though we should all make her T-shirt tags. Not sure if you ever got any of these, Jen. i offered to send them out for everyone, and saw plenty of them on 2ps but nobody ever sent them to me. wasn't sure if you ever got any. Anyway, this will be in the mail Monday so you can read my little "birthday wish." hahaha!

ok - now, something non-scrap related - the Cute boy from the gay bar, who i thought might just be a "GO" turned out not to be so great. When i left work the other night (i work right by a strip club) i saw his car leaving and he pulled out behind me. This was on a Monday night!!! Who goes to the Jiggly on a monday night?? "I have to go to church" my ass... NEXT!!!

have a Hoppy Easter Everyone!


alright... i confess!

so you nosy people keep asking what i had a warrant out for.

Yes, they were actual warrants for me. there was no mistake. it's a little known secret that i'm a wanted hoodrat. under all this scrapbooking, photography, art, literature, mommyhood, acting, pre-medical studies, and whatnot lies a hardened criminal.

Just kidding. I got some tickets in 1999 that i have failed to show up and plea in court for. but... it's over. $1114.90 later. but it's OVER. and i didn't have to wear yucky orange. Although, the court isn't very accomodating and demanded payment in full or else i would get shipped to county for 12 days. Hope some cop is enjoying his donut allowance courtesy of my freedom...

Now... I feel the need to talk about American Idol. because i'm at a loss of things to talk about!

I'm going to come down hard on these people. But please know that i am fully aware of KARMA and that my teeth are falling out because i pick on people. but - these things have to be said...

Kelly Pickler - I start with her because she is the most annoying of the entire group. "What's a ballsy?" C'mon. someone please... do something! Everyone is annoyed with her and every time she opens her mouth i'm like, oh GAWD here it comes! and... her fascination with pickles drives me batty.

Taylor Hicks - yuck. i haven't liked this guy from the get go. He irritates me. I call him "Rainman" because that's who he reminds me of. I get a nervous tick when i watch him perform. he's so pathetic and when he tried to kick over the mic stand and it didn't work i just wanted to jump through the television and tell him to give it up.

Elliot Yamin - please. can we do something about the teeth? i hate this guy. i can't watch him sing. seriously, when he comes on, i have to close my eyes or walk out of the room. Just plain annoying. And i think he sucks and the judges won't say anything bad about him. c'mon.

Paris - yeah. Next. if i hear her say "thank you" one more time in her little girl voice, i'm going to puke. I think she'd go further if she didn't win this competition. i'm hoping she doesn't cause i really don't want to see her all over the place. i'm already on paris overload. and can she please pick a style and stick with it? just because she can get new hair every week doesn't mean she should...

Bucky - i liked the sexy rasp in his voice. but he needed to go just because he (along with Pickler) were really turning this show into "Redneck Idol" as my friend Amy says. Not sad he's gone. and while i'm at it - i'm not sad Mandisa is gone either.

Chris Daughtry - yeah. sexy beast of a man. but yeah, can he do something that wouldn't require headbanging or strobe lights??? and! he wears so much make up that i'm starting to question a thing or two... But, I also think that he would go further if he DIDN'T win. i don't think he will... but i still think getting into the top 3 or so would be better for him.

Ace Young - or Ace "Yum" as i like to call him. why oh why has he been sucking lately? as soon as he brings it again, he's going to be fantastic. And this is totally irrelevant, but Prince is going on tour this summer!!! I only said that because he is one of Ace's idols. No! I don't surf the AI website... And can someone please tell me he's not gay??

Katherine McFee - i absolutely LOVE this girl!!! i've got my money on her. and just because i think she is the best flippin' thing to be on television since Sex and the City. She's too cute and i think will go far. and win this competition. Mark my words!!!

the judges - what the hell is randy talking about. ever?
and can someone please find the alcohol stash in paula's dressing room and nix it? Heeeeey Dummies!
Simon - why is it when someone tells the truth and actually SAYS something worth listening to, he gets booed??? Although, i could do without the baby gap tees and nipples that could cut through glass... but next to the other two, i think he's rather REFRESHING!

ok... i'm delusional - but it IS 2am.

seacrest out!


i swear i can't make this stuff up....

things happen to me. it's insanity. that's why my blog title is Insanity Here. cause that's all my life is... insanity... here!!!

so, laken has been sick for the past few days. got a fever that i couldn't break and he stopped walking, talking, eating, playing. he did nothing. he just wanted to lie on my chest and sleep all day.

so... thursday and friday he got sent home from daycare with fever. now they won't let him go back until he gets a release from a doctor. That's on my list of things to do today...

Brynne came into town Saturday and we tried to watch meaningless TV and fry our brains. We ate Olive Garden and then went to the play. After that, we went to dance and get our drink on. BUT!!!! we had to eat Sonic burgers beforehand which made it impossible to drink because we were stuffed. Which ultimately resulted in very little dancing because we can't do it sober. But, i did meet a guy. but i knew it was too good to be true. He was a GORGEOUS straight guy at a gay bar that had beautiful eyes, and had to leave because he had to get up early for church the next morning. ???? yeah. i'm pretty sure i was sober. and awake. but he couldn't have been real.

And... the play is over. Finito. Gone. No more. and i'm sad. Saturday night i almost cried because i knew we only had one more shot at it. one more go.Sunday afternoon rolls around, brynne left right before the Matinee showing. I had to go to get in costume and get my wigs on. So, i'm on my merry way and two miles away from the theater.... i see a cop flash his lights. Shit.

So i hand him my license blah blah... and he goes to his car. I pick up the phone, tell the girl doing my hair that i'm running late and will be there as soon as i get my ticket. The cop comes back to the car says
"Yeah, i'm going to need for you to step out of the car."
"Go ahead and step out of the car"
So i get out... all baffled thinking, he can search my car if he wants... i don't have drugs. Is it because i'm a mexican??
"Ma'am, there is a warrant for your arrest and i'm going to need to take you to jail now."
"Go ahead and turn around so i can handcuff you."
"No. I can't. And i know this isn't your problem. But i have to be in a play in an hour and a half"
"You're right. It's not my problem"
"Can you arrest me afterward? There's no understudy. You can come watch the show. I'll gladly go afterward."
(I swear i did think this was rational, logical thinking)
"No ma'am. I'm on duty. I can't go to a play..."
"But but"
Policeman shifts his weight from side to side just watching me break down. and i'm thinking "he's going to think i'm acting!!!" So i let the waterworks begin!! And not because i was trying to get out of it. But because i was so freaked out about going to jail. being handcuffed. missing the show. So i am bawling. begging. and i tell him i need to call and at least let them know i am not going to be there.
"if you have your cell phone you can call. and i'm going to have your car impounded"
"no sir!! please, i can't afford that."
"alright, if you can have someone here in 10 minutes to get it, i won't call"
So i'm on the phone with my roommate. then i call the lady doing my hair and she says "You're not getting arrested are you...." before she even said "hello." I tell her yes and she is like HOLY SHIT! Just so happens... the theater's attorney was there getting his tickets for the show when all this happened and he comes to my rescue. The cop seemed annoyed when i told him an attorney was coming and he said that it wouldn't do any good and he was still going to haul me off. Mr. Lawyer tries to talk him out of it. and the cop is set.
"i'm taking her to jail."
sob sob sob
"how long will it take to get her out?"
and then the cop says if we pay my fines he would just take me downtown to the clerk and i'd pay and leave. So Mr. Lawyer opens his wallet. "How much is it?" the cop is on the phone and blah blah. five minutes later, he comes out of his car... "Chriselda....."
oh shit. i walk over and Mr. Lawyer follows me. He looks at me and says
"are you her attorney?"
i look at the stranger standing next to me and he says "yes!"
"make sure she's in court Monday getting this taken care of and i'll let her go to her play. here's your WARNING for speeding. you're free to go"
and now i'm sobbing again...
i walk into the theater crying like a baby. and everyone is just rushing over to help me. It felt like such a Miss Congeniality moment when sandra bullock walks in without her makeup guy and they all rush over to help. sigh. i love my theater family. i was safe.

the show went well. i surprisingly pulled it together and did my thing. then we had to strike the set. which if you don't know what that means... it means tear it all down. and i bawled watching my little Cuba and cigar factory get broken down into 2x4s and plywood. Cried as i hauled piles of trash to the dumpster. piles of tobacco leaves, props we wouldn't use again, pieces of the set we couldn't reuse... and i thought "how do you just throw it all away???" and just as quickly as this play came into my life... it is gone. it is over. and i'm sad and lonely all over again. all over again.

When i was standing still just staring at the tumbling walls, someone asked "what are you doing." and i said... "dying. I'm dying and coming back to Chriselda's life..." And i don't know what to do with myself now. i guess it's back to being me. which might be strange since i haven't done it in two months...

Theater of the Day:
"I don't try to understand everything they say. I let myself be taken. The story enters my body and i become the second skin of the characters." - Marela

"Actors surrender. They stop playing themselves and they give in. You would have to let go of yourself and enter the life of another human being..." - Conchita

Lights down.....


ok - i can do this!

I got to be Meredith Grey for a few hours on Wednesday. that was fantastic! i went in for my surgery rotation and got a change to be an observer in a surgery. And guess what i freakin' saw????

ABDOMINALPLASTY!!! (a tummy tuck) As i tell this story, i'm surprised how many people don't know what it is. So let me tell you... a big piece of your love handle gets CUT OFF of your body and tossed on a table next to a pre-med student. It was the most amazing thing ever to see a large piece of human flesh, muscle, and blood, just lying there next to me. So awesome! I am soooooo going to cut people open for a living.

and... i'm sooooo going to hop on a treadmill every chance i get.

Speaking of. My mom called and told me about all these cleansing pills she bought me and a book for me to start my weight loss program. Said "as soon as this play is over, you can start focusing on yourself again." Nice, eh? Well, if you're mom can't tell you you're fat, then who can? But seriously, i already knew i had weight issues. And i won't even say "i don't know why i'm getting fat" because i do. it's the greasy burgers and Schnitz i am eating in the middle of the night. not good. pretty soon, it's going to be my love handle lying on the blue cloth.

but, right now i have to go, because i'm craving some honey nut cheerios.


it's already been brought-it!

In case any of you were wondering... i did well opening weekend. it's not a big deal to me anymore because i've done this for 5 weeks already. so doing it the last three nights was like doing it again... with an audience.

i wasn't nervous, which was surprising. but like i've said a million times, honestly, "i'm too tired to be nervous."

Thursday was our first night, but the actual opening was Friday night. My family chose to go on Friday night. Complete with a couple of aunts, my little brother, and my parents. That was... interesting.

For starters, this play won the Pulitzer Prize for best drama in 2003. DRAMA!!! read that again. this play is full of it too! there is cheating, lying, rape, drunkenness, murder, and sex in this show.

My character just so happens to have sex. On a table. So there i am, with my legs wrapped around this guy and ... he's doing his thang... and my mom and aunt are like "do we watch? or look away?" haha! People have come up to me after the show in the Meet and Greet and said things ranging from "you are so beautiful" to "nice performance you dirty girl" to "you're grounded!" I mean... i MAKE OUT in front of a room full of people. and this is from a girl who hates PDA and who's friends have NEVER seen her kiss someone. And there i was... dry humping!

We had a nice reception Friday night. I got three dozen flowers! My friends are awesome! And this huge bouquet of roses is from the man who plays my husband (yes, i'm a cheating whore). He bought it for all the girls in the show but everyone left afterward and there sat this obscenely gorgeous bouquet. Melanie said she would take it home but had cats, so i said i'd take it. Nice, eh?

This week i have four performances. Thursday thru Sunday. phew. and then it's over. and i'm sad. because i spent four days a week with these people. and now... nothing. hmph.

BUT!!! may you all be witnesses to this - I AM GOING TO GET BACK ON TRACK!

having my nights back, i vow to the following:

dig through the war zone that has become my room. everything on the bed is clean. the stuff on the floor is dirty. and i'm disgusting. i can't believe i am putting this out there for all of you to see. but i am a slob. at least, i have been for the last 5 weeks. now that i have my nights back... i will be clean again! and laundry will actually hang in the closet before it's dirty again.

i vow to take my fat butt to the gym. seriously. i'm getting out of control. "you're not faaaaaaaaaaaaaaat" my ass! i can't even squeeze mine into denim anymore without cutting the circulation off at the waist. and it's disgusting.

i vow to read my school books and do homework at home. it's not WORKwork.

i vow to start reading an extra-curricular book again. and scott, this means Eleanor Rigby will be finished this week. sigh. broke diaries.... here we come!

i vow to reorganize my bills, budget, and ... in general LIFE.

and last but certainly not least... i vow to learn to walk with my son. he's been walking since Tuesday and while i've enjoyed every second of it, i've failed to really RELISH in the simple pleasure of getting from point A to point B in the same manner that he does. So, now, we will be at the parks again. we will be walking, exploring, and playing. I am ready to get back to mommyhood and really WATCHING my son.

The first steps a baby takes... are into your heart!

Ready to be Chriselda again. Conchita, it's been nice! Really nice! but i'm ready to have my life back. and ready for it to BRING IT ON!!!!