Just As i Am...


well well well....

first off Happy Birthday Jessica!!!

I hope your day is/was a blast and that the coming year is just as mah-velous!!!

Now... this morning was horrific.

i'm sick. i'm drained. i'm exhausted. i've hit a mini-depression because i am a year older than i was this time last year. i am sad because that person that i thought was so "wonderful" turned out to be a total ass and well... i'm here again, broken. I won't say heartbroken because i won't allow it. but nonetheless, i am indeed upset that i trusted someone again- let them in... and it bit me in the butt again!

So i took my pseudo-ephedrine hydrochloride this morning (aka Sudafed - i promise i'm not trying to portray myself as a genius - even though i AM one!) . Drove to school and couldn't find any energy to get out of the car. So i fell asleep. yes, right there in the parking lot while listening to Kidd Kradick - the best morning show ev-ah. I woke up because my mom was calling my cell phone. She says, "Chris, a letter from the Attorney General came in. I think it's the results of your paternity test. Do you want me to open it."

So i say yes... i have no worries - i KNOW who the father of my child is. She opens it...

drum roll please....

"Sperm Donor Gonzales is... not included as the biological father of Laken." I immediately start laughing.

"You're joking right?"

"No" And she goes on to read the results of the paternity/ DNA match up and how i matched Laken's DNA but daddy didn't. So she starts in - "are you SURE he's the dad?"

At this point i'm shaking. Not crying. Not worried. I'm pissed. How did this happen? How is he NOT the father? And my mom is asking who i was with before and after HIM. which was - nobody. My mom immediately thinks it's the ex-husband. Where did she get that from?? Wierdo. So i hang up - my mom is saddened. Thinks her daughter "is a tramp."

and i'm at a loss. loss for what to think. say. feel. and it just ADDS to everything. So i call my friend and tell her. She's equally disturbed and baffled. And we both decide, mainly since Laken looks just like his father, that he must've had someone ELSE go in for him.

i'm shaking. i'm upset. i'm pissed. and decide that since they took our picture when we went in to get our mouths swabbed - that i want to see Daddy's picture. So i call my mom - give me the number on the letter so i can call and have this investigated.

more questions. more "think, chriselda... who else could the father be?" and i'm shaking.

I call the AG. Say "can you please tell me the results?" and the lady says "they're positive."

what?! but... my.... but my mom... "My mom said he is not included as the biological father."

"Noooooooo. The letter reads: He is not EXcluded as the biological father."

sigh. relief. more shaking. Raymond IS the father. still shaking. Thank you. goodbye.

"Mom! you need to learn how to READ!" and then it's all ok. we're laughing...

and that was my scare this morning. Laken is 6 months old today. He is my life. My dreams. My future. My past. My now. My ending. And well... i want him all to myself. I know that most of you know my dilemma concerning the relinquishing of rights. And i pray that he gives them up. I want this beautiful little boy all to myself. No ugliness. No heartbreak because his father is THERE but absentee...

*****sorry this is such a drag. I'm sick. My chest and back hurt from sneezing all day yesterday. My heart aches because my son's father now has the option to be there or not. And he's going to fight me. And it has nothing to do with being his father - he'll do this to SPITE ME! My body has aged. My mind realizes that i'm old. That this fight will age me even more. I'm 26 going on death. I'm tired. I'm sad.

My effer dare #9 will be posted later today. Seemed so appropriate right now. And i'll try to get some photos up this weekend of my birthday weekend so it will drown out this ick-post!


some things ARE free...

like the weekly free download from iTunes.

This week it's Barlow Girl, Brandi Carlile (which "rocks my face off") and an audio book about NYC. I am totally diggin' the Carlile single. it's great to get free stuff, but even greater to update your music library with stuff you normally wouldn't look for. and this song KILLS! so refreshing.

so - since you paid a giNormous amount of money for this little doo-dad... go get your free music. And quit complaining that nothing comes free anymore...


what a boost

Let's see that again in the replay -

Tuesday morning i'm standing at the kitchen sink either washing out baby bottles or eating oatmeal (not really sure which) and my mom comes in.

"Are you going to school or work today"
"Like that???"
I then look down at my infamous grey sweatshirt-denim shorts-flip flop combo and wonder what the hell is wrong with what i'm wearing??
"Yesssss, like this"
"You're never gonna get a doctor to marry you like that!"

and there it was again. the *THAT* that just seems to dig into my skin. i then say to my mom...

"Right now, i'm just trying to *get* a degree."

So i wonder. Why is it that in society these days a woman needs to be taken care of? I often joke with the boyfriend that he needs to be my sugar daddy. But truth is... i can take care of myself and always have. Have never had a man take care of me... nor do i want them to. Right now i'm just trying to get to the point where i can take care of myself and my son, and lady...

the shorts and sweatshirt are doing it!


the worst thing happened yesterday. i went to work, tried to turn on the iPod. and pffffft, it won't. refuses. So i go find the boyfriend (because men are always good with tech crap) and pout while he's playing with it and hooking it up to this and that and looking at it so pensively. He tries to hook it up to the computer and still - nothing. He says "it's your iPod." and i gasp. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE ipooooooooooooooooooooooooood!"

so i take it to the geek squad at Best Buy. My geek's name was "Ratt" i kid you not! and he says "you've only had this for three weeks and it's *already* doing this?" that was comforting buddy, how much did you say that extended warranty was again????

so they just flat out hand me a brand spankin' new ipod. i tried to scam them, but my flippin' friend Amy who was being a saint that day (more on that later) decided to say "you didn't originally have a 60 gig." what a witch. turns out, she just didn't want to have iPod envy and let me walk out of the store with a pod bigger than hers. Fine.

why not? your boobs are bigger than mine!!!

so i just updated my new pod, which i have named "Manic Medical Music" because one of these days... i'll be that doctor my mom is hoping i'll someday marry.....


as i promised...

first off... i thought this was funny and you'd get a laugh - at the very least!

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second - i said i would post random thoughts... and i've collected them over the week.

** My mom informed me the other day that i am no longer in my early 20s. she went on to tell me i'm not even in my mid-20s, but that i'm in my late 20s! ack! where the hell have all my years gone? if you find a bottle of goldschlagger - please check to see if the remnants of my last 6 years are floating at the bottom...

** today i was in the bathroom at school in the science building... and there was grafiti. it read "gravity sucks" and i don't know why - but that absolutely made my day!

** i want a shirt with the Periodic Table of Elements on it. i know this is just broadcasting to the world the extreme nerdiness that possesses me... but i want one because, well, i'm a nerd!

** does anyone else's iPod play the same damn songs on shuffle all the damn time?? i've even rated them to play different songs and some less than others... and nope. still the same songs. and there are thousands of songs in there!!! why am i not hearing them all?

** when i was younger - i wanted to be a prostitute. seriously. and it's all because of Pretty Woman. my cousin and i would dress up in our leather skirts and fishnet pantyhose and walk around saying "work it - own it..."

** my friend monica and i were separated at birth or very possibly cloned. except she's a skinny little size FOUR witch that looks like Eva Longoria. but in the "life department" we're very alike. she called me the other day and asked what i was doing... i said "studying on the toilet!" and she laughed and said "OMG! i do that TOO!" we're perfect for each other!

** i just realized that Biology courses are easy. Genetics, ladies and gentlemen... is easy.

** organic chemistry on the other hand - is NOT going to be easy.

** somewhere in the midst of being a mother and student,employee and everything else i am - i've lost my confidence in relationships. think i have nothing to bring to "the table" and well - that's fine and dandy to think that - but quite another to tell HIM that.

** i just realized... i'm not just getting older - but i already AM old. i'm walking around campus with kids. i'm not a kid!

** wearing the thongs today and HALLELUJAH! they're right where they're supposed to be! my logic? would you prefer to have a piece of material one inch thick for a wedge or the entire piece of material that it takes to cover your fat arse in the first place, shoved up in your goodies?? huh? huh?

and now - i'm off to O-Chem. i love to walk campus - gives me hope that i'll lose some poundage while doing it....


i just wanna say one thing:

i am never wearing regular panties again. ever. again.

(walks off pickin' wedgie)


random friday!

yesterday's post sucked ass. so here are a few things i caught myself thinking and vowed to post them "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy" style...

and here they are in no particular order... this feels so good, i might make it a weekly thing!

  • Am i the only person who has had her fill of Dr. Phil??
  • Does Oprah ever get tired of being on the cover of her own magazine? seriously - she's always on it. (not much of an oprah fan - she's on at the same time as Ellen, and well... sorry Oprah - i promise it's not cause you're black though!)
  • i always use the handicap stall in the restroom. always. if it's taken, or doesn't exist period... i just don't go until i can find one. it's mainly because i am claustrophobic. but this makes me ask, "do i have a right to complain about the people who park in the handicap spot even though they're not handicapped?" what if they do it because they're mainly lazy??
  • did you know that when you flush the toilet the water can spray up to ten feet? brushed your teeth lately? my toothbrush is within that ten foot radius... YICK! (yes i said "yick")
  • why can't guys just be normal?
  • i heard a commercial about complaining (i think it's a beer commercial) and the guy says "i wish the people who complain about gas prices could realize that they are the same people that spend about $20 a gallon for coffee...." and that got me thinking... and highly upset because i am ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
  • in my Organic Chemistry lab yesterday - the girl next to me didn't know how to use a lighter. so i had to light her bunsen burner for her ... FOUR times. i finally told her that wasn't going to work all semester. seriously - how does this happen?
  • how is it possible that i have an obscene amount of music on my iPod and still nothing good to listen to? i'm STILL bitchin'
  • pink has very quickly become one of my favorit colors. i used to despise the color. now it looks like a bottle of Pepto Bismol exploaded in my closet...
  • i put my panties on wrong... YET AGAIN! there really is no excuse for this. really.
  • i lost two pounds. i'm not sure where they went. but i WAS vomitting for a whole day. my mom asked me if i was pregnant. WHAT?! there is a pre-req to getting pregnant... and i'm not meeting that...
  • am i supposed to be upset that the guy i'm "seeing" went to a boobie bar? cause i'm not. and i don't care. it's his own damn fault that he chooses to torture himself and throw his money away to support some crack-whore's drug addiction. oh, that's not fair... that's stereotyping!

and that's about it... that's me in a nutshell. just a bunch of random, useless information and thoughts. the mathematical process for these thoughts IS available if you're wondering how i go from one thing to the next...

i need help...

in the worst way possible.

so... i'll try to make this as simple and short as possible, but i really need opinions and/or prayers...

Laken and I went in for DNA testing Tuesday and well... this is a long web-like story... but here goes:

His "dad" Ray and i went to high school together. we were really good friends blah blah... but never got involved. We, therefore, have mutual "friends." One of these friends just happened to start dating him right after i found out i was pregnant. So she starts getting defensive when it came to me griping at him for not even calling or contributing ANYTHING toward my pregnancy (which i wasn't expecting but was nonetheless surprised that it was so easy for him to forget i was carrying his child). So she hates me. Childish.

and i'm above that.

so i'm there waiting for DNA testing and she walks in! gives me this ugly go-to-hell look and i swear to GOD! i wanted to set laken down in his carrier and beat her effin' face in! but i didn't... and she walked in to do whatever she was doing there at the clinic. (i'll keep my nasty comments to myself).

secondly - my friend Amy's boyfriend is a bartender here in town and he saw Ray come in one day to see his new "girlfriend." When he tried to tell her "just be careful" she smarted off about already knowing about me and how i didn't show up for the DNA test the first time (in August).

of course i didn't show up - i am working two jobs to support the kid in the first place... OUR kid! so ... drama. i found out yesterday from another one of my friends that they had a fight that night and she told him that if i didn't end up showing up for the DNA testing, that she wanted Ray to come after me for the $600 he had to hand over. (JAW DROP!) i don't need no stinkin' paternity test.... i already KNOW it's his kid. and if i had a choice of who Laken's father is... it wouldn't be him.

Thirdly - i find out that a girl that i work with at the electric company (who is absolutely adorable) is very possible carrying Laken's little sister. SIGH. Turns out, this girl - who i talk to at work, offered up my maternity clothes, asked about baby shower and registry information, talk to on an almost-daily basis - was dating Ray during my pregnancy and thought she was cool with it since i had gotten pregnant BEFORE they met and yada yada. Well, apparently she went over to his mom's house one day, saw my baby shower invitation and decided that it was all "too real" and "intense" for her. So she broke up with him. She then found another boyfriend, who she is still with now, and is waiting to deliver so she knows who the "father" is. and she's afraid of me... she gets nervous when i talk to her.

******** This is not me... this is not my character... this is not the kind of people that i associate with. This is the Jerry Springer/Maury Povich crap that i wanted to stay away from. call me a snob, call me a bitch... whatever! but i'm seriously ABOVE this... and i don't want to deal with this my entire life. i was drunk, whoops, and here he is. i can't change that... but i don't know what to do about my... HIS future.

When Ray asked me for the paternity test, i told my mother that i was going to (after the results came in) ask him to relinquish his rights as a father and i would leave him alone and he could do the same. My mom thinks this is a bad idea - that i should stick him with child support because he won't come around anyway - might as well give me money.

When i was growing up my biological father came in and out of my life and just basically reaked havoc in my life. i don't talk to him today and when people ask me if Laken's met his "grandpa" i simply say "we LIVE with him!" then they say, not your step dad - your real dad.... and i say "he wasn't a father to me - why should he be a grandfather to laken?"

the thing is - i don't want to take that away from laken. what if he asks me one day why his real dad doesn't come around. what if he asks me why i asked him to relinquish his rights. what if he says i didn't KNOW what kind of father Ray was going to make and i took that opportunity away from him to begin with???

will my child despise me for being a cynic, a realist, a logical thinker, a skeptic? what if Ray is the only father Laken will ever know of and i'm nipping that in the bud right now?

Ray says that "if" Laken is his that he wants to be put on the birth certificate - that he will fight to have his name changed. and as i sit here crying, i ask "What effin' right does he have to change that? this is MY child... has been for the last 5 months! and the last 14 months that laken has been in our life, i'm the only one that's even given a damn about him! everything laken has is because I've given it to him or because MY family has provided it for him. and that includes LOVE! i don't get phone calls... i don't get gifts... he doesn't get visited... he doesn't even get diapers from them! why should he be part of THEIR family???" WHY?!

and here i am... surrounded by him and i want to get myself and my son out of this town. want to get away from him... from everything that he is and everything that comes with him....

but is that something that i am taking from my son? i'm almost positive ray will relinquish his rights... but he just might NOT to spite me. but if that's the case - i'll hunt his ass down for every last effin' cent he owes this child. i will make him financially responsible. if he doesn't come around now (when he can do it for free) why would he do it later? he won't be an integral part of laken's life if he stays "involved" - He's just gonna come in and change his name... change everything that i've done so far and then bail out on me... us. HIM! He'll fade off into nothing and come around to screw everything up like my dad did.

am i really looking out for my son's interest? or am i being selfish? i need your honest opinions - not what you think i want to hear. more importantly.... i just need prayer... and thoughts.

i thought i said this would be short and sweet???


wishing i was a New Yorker....

because gas prices are killing me SMALLS! i wish i could be walking around using the Metro all day long. all of a sudden that four dollar a day fee is NOTHING! screw the high rent prices there... you don't have to worry about gas!

thought this was cute!

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and for your viewing pleasure.... check out this little VIDEO!

can you tell what kind of mood i'm in today? i had to stop at the gas station this morning. i drive about 80 miles a day to get to the daycare, school, work, and back home... i think i'll have to move into town. i'd rather this money go to rent than a flippin' tank of gas! i'm fillin' up 2 times weekly... at $45 bucks a pop (so far). so that's $360 worth of gas a month! (if my math serves me correctly) do you know how many pairs of shoes i can buy? how much Basic Grey Paper i'm missing out on? More than 20% of my annual income goes toward gas...

if i didn't have to pay for gas - i could afford to buy 12 iPods for you non-owning effers!

and now you've got me thinking about my budget and that just pissed me off for the day!

** today's laken's DNA test. anything else, life? anything???


an apple a day....

will totally break my bank!

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i did it! i can't belive i'm an iPod owner. and an actual iPod too!!!

so a few fresh new things in my life...

New School Year
New Guy
New Bank Account Balance well above the minimum to keep it open!
and a new flippin' iPod. and i named HIM "Supah Lovah!"

i broke down and got it because well, i had been working return mail at work and sitting there in the midst of click click click of the computer keyboards all around is NEVER fun. so i drown it out with my mp3 player. but my little baby only held 50-60 songs. so, i did it. I went with mr. man - my new boy toy who is absolutely amazing to Best Buy and stood there staring blankly at the iPod section. QB (that's his name for safety reasons) wanted me to get the mini but i said, "for 50 more bucks, i can get 16 more Gs!" and he said "true" so that was that... and then he gave me a sweet little kiss and held me as i handed the lady my debit card.

then he took me to eat and i rushed home to load some songs. i'm so stoked! and i never use the word "stoked."

I just went and added all of my music library that i've downloaded since i discovered pirating - and please don't freak - i make up for it in cd's AND DVDs!!!

songs that are rockin' my iPod right now - and TOTALLY define me as an "all kinds of music" lover:

Mother Mother - Tracy Bonham
Objection - Shakira
Seven - Prince
HellaGood - No Doubt
Boys Don't Cry - the Cure
Work It - Missy Elliot
Cheer's Darlin' - Damien Rice - who rocks ass so pleeeeeeeease look him up!

there are 688 songs in here thus far - i shouldn't list them all...

and then there are songs that make me stop and scratch my head but then i immediately toss it back in laughter:

Poor Unfortunate Souls - Little Mermaid Soundtrack
Copa Cabanana - Barry Manilow
Bad Phone Sex - Chris Rock (you MUST listen to this)
a plethora of christmas music, including Cheech and Chong
Footloose - Kenny Loggins
Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice
Barbie Girl - Aqua
a couple of Spice Girls songs
and then of course, the hang-my-head-in-shame-and-secret-glee New Kids on the Block!

and now i'm off to blog your blogs and read my modules for speech and life wellness. i have a great weekend planned so far. I actually work 90% of it but i AM going to spend some QT with QB and just stare giddily off into space.....

sorry i have failed to remain a member of the "No ipod" club.... i still love you though jen!