Just As i Am...


A Bath, a bed, and a healthy baby...

this week has just been horrible. I am still trying to get adjusted to moving from a three bedroom two bath townhome into a small 10x10 bedroom! My grandparents from Pennsylvania have been visiting and my new "house" just happens to be the spare bedroom. So... laken and i have set up camp in the living room.

somewhere in the midst of all this craziness and adjusting, laken got sick. Friday afternoon i noticed that he was a little warm so i took his temperature. He had 99.5 so i didn't think much of it. Thought he had been wrapped like a burrito a little too long. Later that afternoon he woke up and wouldn't nurse or take a bottle so i felt him again and thought he had gotten even warmer. So i take his temp and it's 101.5. I figure i'll call the doctor and he'll tell me to give him baby tylenol and a lukewarm bath... nope. We ended up in the emergency room friday night at 7pm. After bloodwork, stool sample, a catheter for a urine sample, an xray, and a SPINAL TAP! they tell me that Laken has a viral infection but they aren't sure what the source is. He's being admitted. So at 2am we FINALLY get into a room and i think we'll finally be able to get some sleep. Nope. The nurses came back in at 4am to take Laken's blood. i absolutely hated it. he cried so hard and i cried even harder. There's something about seeing my son being poked and prodded that killed me little by little over the course of the weekend.

The good thing is that we're both back at home after a 48 hour stay at the hospital. Despite the surprisingly GOOD food - i'm ready to be back and have laken in his own bassinet. He wouldn't sleep in the one at the hospital and i'm sure it has more to do with him being scared and really uncomfortable than it did with him being "spoiled."

I came home and stared at my two month old baby and cried over every bruise, every red dot on his skin from having blood drawn... staring into his puffy, red eyes that - despite everything - still smiled up at me in a loving manner.

I know he'll never remember any of this. My little brother was born with bacterial spinal menangitis and my mom had a horrible time with it. She told me the other night, "He'll never remember this... but you always will."

It's so amazing how much motherhood has changed me emotionally and how much i'm willing to sacrifice for the sake of my child. I was always such a selfish, stubborn person... and within five seconds of having laken in my life, i've ceased to take a priority!

his father is within a ten minute drive from us and couldn't even come up to the hospital to see him. he called and said he would, but never showed up. i'm so disappointed and sad that i got involved with someone like him that wouldn't partake in his son's life.

i hope that one day i can find a loving, fatherly figure for my son... but for right now - i just want to hold my baby and let him soak up the love...


this is the day...

well, it's here, the day that i move. i'm sad and happy and sad and happy. i can't decide which one to go with.

there still so much to do and so much i feel like i didn't see while i was here. i am sad that i didn't visit the Riverwalk more often. Sad that i didn't learn my city like a tourist does. I'm just sad in general. i'm going to miss the things that make San Antonio so beautiful - the trees, the river, the buildings, the new roads. And then i'm gonna go back to a town with ONE tall building. I heard a comedian once say that there's only one tall building (skyscraper) in amarillo and the rest is so flat. so when you come in - it looks like the city's flipping you off! too funny

well, i just wanted to update here a bit. i need to finish up packing.

i'll be ba-ack!


Last dance with...San Antonio

well, the day has finally come where i have to say "this is my last day here!" I'm really sad about it and wish this weren't happening because i've met so many great people here and established so many connections with this city and everything in it.

I mean emotional connections! I'm going to miss the kids i worked with, my friends, my movie theater... In a sense, i feel like i am losing soooo much and just downshifting to such a smaller life. I'm 25, about to move back in with my parents! It's just insanity!

For those of you who don't know... i lost my job unexpectedly after my maternity leave ended. I was supposed to go back to work and two days before that, i got "THE CALL!" It was really devastating. I've been with that family for THREE years and proven myself to be loyal to their family. And in many ways, i feel almost betrayed by this. So it kinda made me feel *alone* here in San Antonio. I have no family here and being a new mommy just changes so much!

I never thought such emotional changes would take place. You always hear about the "things they don't tell you." Well, i read those books, i knew the horrors of pregnancy (and experienced most of them first-hand). But nobody ever told me how much i would *feel* or how overwhelmed with love i would become. Every time i look at my son i just become so peaceful!

this is the tiny face that stares up at me for hours everyday! and i cannot explain to anyone how amazing it is to see him!

So, this move just feels right and ok and wonderful. i have no concerns with anything and crap just seems to trickle down the other side like water on the back of your hand. Just goes away!

am i making any sense at all???


I've become stupid...

or was i always this dumb? i at least know i've become extremely absentminded. First off, let me start out with telling you about my inability to carry out menial tasks.

I made my son's announcement cards over a month ago. He's now two months old and i JUST sent the cards off this afternoon. Which is fine because alot of my family members wait the 6 weeks before they announce anything... or even come out of the house for that matter! (We're mexicans and we're weird ones!!!)

So, I have been trying to send these out for a while now. The first time, i got all the cards and put them in the car with me, Drove to the post office and then realized i had left the stamps at home. I'm not buying more stamps because i do everything online and don't have a use for an extra book of stamps! So... i go home! The next day, I go BACK to the post office with my stamps and - WHERE ARE MY CARDS??? So today, i finally made it to the PO with my STAMPED ENVELOPES! I figured putting the stamps on the cards before i left the house would eliminate one thing to think about!

I can't believe that simple things have become so complex to me. People say it's parenting... that it sucks all your smarts out! And i am a little bit worried because these are things that i would do regardless if I had a child or not.

In the last few months I've:

  • asked, "Prince is black?!"
  • confused Christopher Walken and Christopher Robin
  • lost my wallet
  • lost my laptop's wireless networking card
  • forgotten my own name on several occasions
  • sent out email attachments... without the attachment

i could go on and on... but i think i should stop there since i've already broadcast this much to the world wide web...


i promise i took a shower...

So, i smell like pee. Yes!!! Urine! i smell like urine! i couldn't figure it out for the longest time and kept thinking that maybe it's that whole "post pregnancy sneeze-and-piss-your-pants" thing... but i went to the restroom not once... but TWICE to have a looksee and nope... it's not that i've wet myself. so i'm thinking, "i had corn for dinner, maybe that gives off some urine scent" (i dunno, i'm delusional sometimes). then! tada! i find out that my shirt has a little stain on it and that my wonderful, loving, newborn little boy has (indeed) pissed on his mother!

this has to stop! i am not going to continue to put up with his crap! this morning he pooped on me. i mean, i was holding him - cooing at him, staring into his beautiful eyes and going on and on about how much "mama loooooooooves" him! and pth! all of a sudden this atomic bomb goes off in his diaper and i feel a nice warm, wetness on my hand that's cradling his bum...

what a turd!

anyway, i'm still sitting here with pee on my shirt... i guess i'll go??


where did all this crap come from?

Well, i finally started packing... really packing! and it's a mess now! i think my living room is done. The LSS emailed me that they had a ton of boxes for me! so... i show up and THEY WEREN'T KIDDING! there was a whole line of boxes against the wall. They were having a crop - how sad!

Anyway, i got home and started packing... this is not fun. It's sad when all of your belongings start filling up boxes and you know that you won't be seeing them for a few months. So there went the frames, the DVDs, the candles... just a horrible feeling altogether.

I had an anxiety attack this morning because it *finally* hit me that i'm moving and the crappy situation that forced me to do it in the first place... So looking at my life stacked up in Bazzil Basics boxes in the living room is just... very saddening.

I have my bedroom, the baby's room, and the kitchen left. I think i'll save the kitchen until the very last day. (Which is one week from today!) I'll pack my room up tomorrow, the baby's room sometime Monday or Tuesday and then i have to clean clean clean this apt. I hate doing that... ugh! I fought the whole *nesting* phase of pregnancy cause i hate to clean. I'm not filthy by any means... but i am messy! But very organized at the same time... i know it's weird!

Well, sorry this is such a "Blah" entry. i haven't really been very happy today. My only bright spots are when the baby is awake and he's smiling at me... i know it sounds cliche - but he makes it all "ok"

tonight i'm going to bed ... and well, that sounds like a good idea right now...

i'm GENIUS!!!

First of all, let me just start out with ... what the hell am i doing up this late?! Great, now that's outta my system. I am really ticked off that i started this Blog right now. I'm in the middle of a major move and i have all of 5 boxes packed!

Second, i fell for a stupid Urban Legend email about Neiman Marcus Cookies this afternoon. Dammit! I kept thinking, Neiman Marcus has cookies? Apparently they do, but still, the email was a bunch of hooey! How was i supposed to know, I've never been to a Neiman Marcus... uncultured SWINE!

Third, it's now 4am and i'm sitting here rubbing my eyes 'cause they itch... couldn't figure it out for the longest time, and now i've got it! My contact is torn! can you believe that? TORN! i'm wearing torn contacts! what an Einstein!

---- and now it's time for me to go to sleep! My son will probably wake me up because he's soaked his diaper again! i'm so glad i'm not a baby! can you imagine what life is like when you have to depend on someone else to wipe your ass? I don't know about you, but i like being in control of that, thankyouverymuch!

Only 8 more days until i have to have all of my stuff in boxes... and i'm sitting here with this blog...

...sorry I'm late!

So, this is my first post here because i'm a nerd and haven't started a blog until... well, right now! i can't believe i waited so long... all the cool kids are doing it. I feel like such a blog virgin! Well, folks, you just witnessed my cherry being popped!

I feel so violated and vulnerable...

okay - so here's the deal, you're only allowed to read my blog and personal life if you promise that you won't complain about me rambling or start having issues with how much i talk... because you are, after all, snooping around in my personal life... i didn't ask you here!!! or did i??