Just As i Am...


ya dumb dummies

(that's from My Name is Earl)

this is me happy today!
i got a new computer the other day.
i'm LOVIN' it!!!
it's an HP.

I got two singing parts in Christmas Carol
i'll be a rich woman
and a Salvation Army Folk
our budget for this show was over $25,000!
i'm so excited

so i was able to get a few photos edited. this is my most favorite subject to use. she is extremely photographic. and has such a great contrast. You can see the rest of the photos here

now. i'm off to work.
going to watch Steel Magnolias (the play) at Amarillo Little Theatre
you can find out alot of information from the website
love this community
everyone there makes for a really nice FRIE-MILY


awwww shucks

first off, THANKS to the birthday wishes and goodies over at the peas place! loved it all.

second. still working on school computers. i actually sent the specs for my new computer this morning. woooot! so maybe i'll be running by next week. i guess i should've cancelled my internet services for a month since it's been THAT long.

oh well.

Inquiring minds wanna know:

The birthday girl washed laundry (and lots of it). i even put it away!
i spent the day watching 40 Year Old Virgin and Mr and Mrs Smith on HBO sporadically
on the actual "day" i went to church
then my super sweet auntie cooked me a special lunch of pot roast, tortellini salad, and pineapple upside down cake. There were no candles due to the fire hazard they threaten.
Had a nap (which was interrupted by a million and one phone calls)
put together a new kitchen table (can we say "i'm bringin' SCRAPPIN' back????")
and then watched 40 Year Old Virgin again...
loved it! i took the whole weekend off. off from EVERYTHING
no work. no crap. no stores. no shopping. i was just at home. nice

laken (and jessica) got me this "Mother's Love Ring"
i love this thing!

the night before laken was sick and i had plans to go out.
and i don't deserve points for saying this - but i stayed home
and it was just natural. and what i was. WHERE i was.
so this ring is just perfect. thank you a ton of times over Jessica!
i love you long time!

tried to watch Donnie Darko last night. my friend amy gave it to me since it has my man Jake Gyllenhaal in it. not to mention his sister, Maggie, which i think is super hot and talented. (but mostly hot) I got through about ten minutes, saw the ghost/alien/boogie man thing and decided i should sleep instead. must watch in daylight hours.

Auditioned for Christmas Carol (musical) at the Amarillo Little Theater last night. i find out Thursday at noon. the part i wanted was Emily - young Scrooge's girlfriend. she has about two minutes in the show. i want it! but i get there. and find out she's 18. bwahahaha. ummmm clearly, i'm NOT 18. maybe i'll get another part.

alright. off to class. and to prepare for a test over the 206 bones in the body.

geez.us. all i want to do is cut people open for the rest of my life. do i really need to know all of this stuff????


waiting to exhale...

a month ago i said i'd be breathing by now
and i just want to know what i did to piss of the karma gods
i stared up at the sky the other day and threw my hands up in defeat
it's a total nightmare to wake up every.single.day and just wish you didn't have to. and it sucks because i have a child and i shouldn't be thinking that way. i called amber. needed to hear a single mommy's head. i needed to know that it's not crazy to want to throw in the towel. it's ok to want to give it all up and not DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE. i'm sure parents in general deal with this. but the emotional strain of this thing i do is so tiring. and i needed to know that i'm not crazy for being crazy and having crazy thoughts...

then there's the rest of it. if i could get all the other shit in my life straight. this wouldn't be such a big deal. so i finally get to a point where i think, "hey, things are starting to look up..."

remember that check engine light? it went off. left me alone. and then i have a bit of money i think it will be nice to put back in savings and let stew. so i'm at the Smoothie place waiting in the drive thru when my CAR EXPLODES!!!! no lie. there were no flames. we're all ok. my radiator just blew. and all this steam starts oozing out of the car. and there's anitfreeze everywhere. i hate my life!!!

and i just can't take it anymore. i am so sick of drowning in the wading pool of life. sick of it. sick of not having money to pay a bill when it's due. sick of having to push things around. sick of only going grocery shopping when my kid is at daycare because i don't want to see a family. a dad loading the kids in the car while mommy gets the bags.

and maybe you're skimming through this thinking it's a little pity party. and maybe it is. but i'll tell you what... it sure as hell isn't any fun. i won't be inviting anyone to it. sometimes i just want to die.

sometimes i hate life
sometimes i want to go to sleep and not wake up
sometimes i think i have regrets
sometimes i wish i believed in the good
sometimes i want to slap people when the tell me "it'll be ok..."
cause if it's not one thing with me... it's definitely another

and then i see laken. and those sometimes are gone.
so here i sit.
going through everyday motions just trying to stay alive
just waiting to die
just hoping that i get my son through it the best i can today
if i go down fighting... at least he knows i fought.

no matter who is in your "corner"
truth of the matter is... you're the only one wearing the gloves
you're the only one walking away from the rink with a battered face

broken spirit
spinning head

is this belt really worth it all?
is laken going to see me take hit after hit and just sit back in confusion?

i'm just waiting, people!!!
i'm waiting to fucking exhale!!!!

(p.s. i've disabled comments for this post. don't want to hear the gush. i'm dealing. and there's not really a clear tone in this medium of communication. i'm really just wanting to vent. not asking for pity or blah blahbity blah comments. no offense. )


it's mid september?!

where did my month go?

ok... first off. i owe a few of you some things....

first off, ANGIE! happy birthday (again) girl. your embellies go out this weekend! Thanks barb for organizing it! i've been so out of it lately. i'm sorry i suck at life and your goodies are late.

Brandy - your RAK goes out for guessing Pretty Woman

Greta (Great) - i swear to you your birthday stuff (which i've been hoarding for almost a year) goes out tomorrow too! along with that Nanny Diaries book!

i also promise to pull out my scrapbook stuff this weekend and catch up on the gagillion cjs that i have and am holding hostage.

this time of year always gets me down. (more than the rest of the year)
someone told me whatever it is you're doing on New Year's Eve when 12 o'clock rolls around is what you'll be doing the rest of the year. i was sitting on my bed crying. and YUP that has been the gist of my year thus far. and not because anything major is wrong. but just because i've had heightened sensitivity this year to stress, life, etc. maybe this is everyone and i should stop throwing my pity party. but this year it just seems to be one thing after another and even though things start looking up, a Check Engine Soon light comes on and immediately throws me into a panic. Just the IDEA that something else is lurking beyond my control and has the potential to turn my hair gray and break my face out and result in LOTS of comfort eating... frankly pisses me off! i spend 24/7 feeling "defeated" and that is just depressing. i'm not going to sit here and tell you i'm going to get better because i'm not into making promises i can't keep but i am going to tell you that i am STILL FIGHTING and it's gonna take a lot more than a Trojan Horse Virus x 67 to take me down...


i'm might be barely breathing, but i'm not dead ...

hey dummies! not much going on.
trying to figure out the whole school/work/mommyhood/life issues

haven't looked at my scrap stuff in over a month
have no desire whatsoever to even pull it out

been taking a lot of pictures
but i have no computer
mine died.
she had enough of the abuse and kicked the bucket
currently i'm at the parental units' home...
using their new highspeed
doin' some calculus homework

here is a pic to tide you over... laken and his silly faces. this is his new one. he's pouting because i'm making him take pictures in the tub with a faux hawk.

not happy about it. but i sure thought it was cute.