Just As i Am...



i went to class on thursday at 730 a.m.
had a physics worksheet to pick up and complete
took all of five minutes
lecture starts at 945 so i basically had two hours to burn
two hours!!!!!!
what's a girl to do?
i went back to my car and passed out
about 830 i realize it's getting hot and i'm sweating so i turn the car on and let the AC run. and fall asleep again. at 915, i'm awakened by someone tapping on my window. i open my eyes and there stands a police officer! ok. i'm not too fond of cops. they always want to take me to jail. so i FREAK out. he asks me to get out of the car. and i do. i'm standing there, my leg is asleep, i'm disoriented, probably still asleep too. and this girl runs around the car and starts heading toward me with her arms extended, "are you okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay?!"
"i was so worried about you. you were asleep in your car, with the engine running!"
(i look around and notice there are TWO cop cars behind mine. and another police officer holding a jimmy trying to get her car unlocked)
"yeah, i'm fine"
"i was so worried that i locked my keys in my car. i was startled"

i just stand there for a bit. trying to digest everything. and then the police officer looks at me. it's 9am, i'm sweaty, stinking, have no make up on, tshirt and shorts, and i just got caught sleeping in my car. "do you have a place to stay? where do you live?"
"i live in amarillo"
"ok. so... in a house? or apartment"
"ummmmm. a house???" (i answered him with a question! i hope "house" was the right answer. ummm... Why is this cop asking me stupid questions for 500 please)

and then he proceeds to ask me questions about my major. my class schedule. and i inform him that i had a five minute lab and two hours to kill before lecture so i came to sleep in the car. and then he asks if i'm "ok" and over and over asks if i "live in amarillo" with an emphasis on LIVE.

i say yes numerous times and then he says ok. and psycho girl that couldn't mind her own business is just sitting there staring at me. and then they both walk off. she turns around and says "i was just so worried about you."

i get back in my car. and start replaying things in my head. i look around and notice my surroundings.

Laken just got a pillow from my mom as a gift because he LOVES pillows. so it was in the car.
My cousin Lucy just gave me a bag full of clothes her son had outgrown. my front seat has two cups in the holder from Olive Garden. my purse, makeup bag, perfume, deodorant, and saline solution (for after the nap) are all lying in the front seat. i take a blanket to work every day to lay across my lap because it's flippin' cold in the offices. and i realize: HE THOUGHT I WAS HOMELESS!!!! i was sleeping in my car, with a pillow and a blanket. and everything but the bathroom sink on my passenger's seat, and a bag (trash bag) full of clothes in the back seat. no wonder he kept asking me if i lived in amarillo.

so that was my day. homeless. he thought i was homeless....

(this is "Things that only happen to me #932)

thank you.
and i'm not homeless


photography- it's a family affair

let me first start off by saying you can kiss your blogger photo upload ish (issue) buh-bye.
scott let me in on a tip and i MUST share it.
Download firefox/mozilla
when you come to upload on blogger, use that as your server. VOILA!

ok... now that i've done my good deed for the day...

on to the post - my mom took these pics of Laken while on their vacation to Pennsylvania. see... photography runs in the family. my mom certainly has an eye. my son definitely has the face. and i definitely love photoshop.
thanks brandi for your tippers!
this is before the hair cut!

more pics of laken in the pool... seriously. this kid is a fish.

the aftermath. my son. totally loved his hair. laughed for minutes afterward. it's all funny now. laken's hair grows like he's using Rogaine. it's getting so long already.

anyway... that's my update. it's either a picture loaded one or i could start talking about lightening and resonance...

your choice!


people... wake up and smell the homeless!

so i've been uber busy this week. on top of school and work, i volunteer at the United Way. this is normal. i used to do it every monday at the hospital but i've been slackin' on the "free work" thing.

when my son left on july 6th, he was a little chubby cheeked little baby boy with a mountain of soft curls on his head. when he came back he was a little BOY that can drink from a straw, hold his finger up to tell me he's "ONE," is learning how to kick a soccer ball, is trying to feed himself with silverware, is running much better, talking tons more, understanding commands... but most of all... they brought back to me a little boy with a HORRIBLE buzz cut. My military/fireman father decided he needed a REAL HAIRCUT and not this "girly stuff" and took the clippers to Laken's head.

i guess he bit off more than he could chew because his haircut looked like he had placed a bowl over his head and just shaved the rest off. it was so ugly. When i walked through the door to pick him up when they got into town, we both stood in the doorway staring at each other like, "who the heck are you?" there stood my son - the one with the milky complexion and great "uncle jessie" type hair - with this hairpiece, Three Stooges 'do and chocolate brown skin. he is BEYOND tan. he's a little peice of cocoa.

so i just stood there in shock. it honestly took me a few seconds to accept/believe that he was my son.

there's the gawd-awful haircut that i yelled about for a little bit and told my dad he's no longer allowed to come near my son's hair with anything sharp and/or designed to remove hair from the scalp. First things first - we drove into town to the Barber's shop. This is a family friend of ours that has been cutting my dad and brother's hair for.ev.er. He fixed it as much as he could but Laken apparently like his buzzcut that "Popo" gave him and cried the entire time. We "fixed" it as much as we could. When we asked for our fee, he said "oh no! i'm putting this on your Dad's tab!" and then said "i sure do hope bill doesn't fight fires the way he cuts hair. if so, i hope my house is never on fire..."

Laken and i have spent the last couple of days readjusting to each other. it's been tough. he's a whole new kid. and even though i talked to my mom everyday, i still missed so much. i am adjusting to his temperment, moods, communication, and flat out trying not to kiss him every second of the day. I cried. it's hard on me to not see him for two weeks and then see him and he refuses to let me touch him for about two hours. but, truth? i expected it. i was a Psych major for a little over two years and knew that this age is very crucial for relationships/bonding. Out of sight - out of mind. But he's coming around. and so am i.

anyway - more studying to do. test on monday! i haven't fallen off the bloggin' world. just been extremely busy and trying to stay centered and focused.

sounds made up, eh?!


good times. good times.

it just really never is safe.

this is brynne
this is my finger almost going in her nose
i know she'll hate me for this.

anyway... good times. she came to town to keep me company during my "off time" and we went dancing. or not dancing.

The highlights in a nutshell? in a language you will not understand but one that should very well point out the neurosis involved:

the lounge for a drink
club for dancing
platforms and too many people = never a good combination
two grown men fighting right in front of us - brynne almost being under all of it
chriselda wearing all of our drinks due to fight eruption
why aren't you dancing? i'm not drunk. can we get her a shot please? two shots!!!
gay men. and LOTS of them
brynne, taste my lip gloss! (OMG!)
laying in the stars and looking at the grass
neck bruises. "or is it a hickie? was someone sucking on my neck?"
shopping at petsmart
"look those fish are making out!" (said when i saw a fish and it's reflection)
feeding snakes
random outbursts and chriselda moments at olive garden during lunch
"these plants have splotches"
"brynne sleep on the bed
you KNOW that's why you're putting the sheets on it... hooker
you HAVE to sleep on the bed!"
my boogers hurt
"yes. naughty please"
boney vertical smiles
go brush your teeth and get him out of your mouth!
omg! he farted in his sleep! i thought i should fart just so he wouldn't feel bad...
i love you but you have to go home soon

gawd i love it when you come to town. even though it's never safe

now for the pics!

about two weeks ago i jinxed myself with blogger and the whole "upload photos" situation. i told scott "i never have problems with it" and now look... it says "that's enough, c!"

maybe i'll get around to posting more. maybe not.

two more days and laken's back.

... now back to those entertaining physics notes/homework


facing the digital demons, surprise mail, and just overall appreciation

well, i have to say it folks. i'm depressed. and i'm not trying to flag your attention. i'm fine. i kind of like it here. because it really makes me evaluate my situations and this is a VERY PRODUCTIVE time for me. so don't feel as though you have to gush about how much you hope i get better... because this is how i get better!!!

I want to put this out there. i don't remember where i heard it but it has stuck with me since. "depression is a very natural and healthy way to react to something overwhelming in your life"

just own it. don't let it own you. i'm sad and blah these days due to everything... school, life, all this assistance i'm trying to get and realizing i'm DEPENDENT, child support battles, work, and most of all - missing the one thing in my life that holds my little frazzled pieces together on a daily basis. My life is not falling apart. I am not falling apart. I am just very well aware of how hard it is for me to keep it all together. and i appreciate that is still together. and this is just my way of holding on to that. re-evaluating my game plan. cool??

Lately, i've been receiving emails of people concerned that i'm drifting off. Not the case. but thank you so much for taking the time to care. It means the world to me. Thanks to angie who sent me a little email telling me "come on! get with it. you're a fighter" and i saw that and thought here's one rowdy bitch just keeping me going. and i love you! Greta tells me "suck it up. dry the tears" and while she did it to be funny, Greta you are just the world to me in that little sentence.

... and then JocelynneB surprises me with a little snail mail. a card out of nowhere just saying "i know you can do this"

and i am beyond blown away with how much you little "blog friends" actually mean to me. you have shown more support than those in my life that exist in 3-D form.

so thank you for your concerns. quips. and swift kicks in the ass. they all keep me on my toes and i love each of you dearly!

then i tackled the photoshop. i was visiting Missy's Blog a while back and saw her gorgeous layout of her son with the Dixie Chicks lyrics to "Godspeed" and just had to do a layout because it just seemed to fit right now that laken is gone.

Godspeed Little Man <---- link takes you to the post on TwoPeas

blogger all of a sudden decided one picture was the max on this post


it's electrifying!

so the parental units are out of town and said "chris, feed the dogs"
last night. 10 o'clock. i'm there opening the dog run to get in.
it's an chain link gate and i'm pushing it open to get in.
out of nowhere, Ginger jumps on me. i move and she runs into the gate, which at that point pushes forward and decides to rest on the electric fence. so i'm kicking it trying to get out. afraid to touch it with my hands. does it move? NO. Does it get even more stuck against the electric fence? yes!

i have no phone. i'm stuck in the dog run. the entire thing is surrounded by an electric fence. what's a girl to do??

electrocute herself!

that's right. i grabbed the damn gate and pulled it out. shocked the hell out of me! i jumped back but didn't fall over. it was some scary shizz. and so hard for me to make that decision to shock myself.

speaking of decisions. i had child support court yesterday. saw the jerk in all his awesome glory. Mrs. Attorney says i have two choices: i can send him to jail for owing me over $2000 in back pay, or put him on probation for 10 years and see if he starts paying. if he misses a payment, technically he's in contempt of court. and i can send him to jail then.

what's a girl to do?

i had a damn soft moment and let his ass be on probation. took me five minutes to sign that paper.

i really don't want his money. i haven't needed it in the last 15 months that he has gone without paying it. so why now? i don't really want him around. he's only seen laken three times. i'd like to keep him out of my life as much as possible. that would be nice.

thing is - i don't really think the government has any right to force someone to be a parent. and how do you put a sticker price on what your child is worth? i know it's a stretch. but seriously, i sat in her office weighing my options concerning his lack of "responsibility" and wonder how in the hell the government can say he MUST do this. ?? so i scribbled my john hancock on a peice of paper granting him his friggin' freedom.

... i have three days to change my mind.


"i can be the meanest person in the world - so i apologize to you and to anyone else that i hurt too..."

so i have to say sorry for being a debbie downer lately
lots on my mind and plate
i'm starting things
ending things
missing things
skipping things...

i saw this on Grace's blog and had to take it because way back when, i was a "sanguine" but after taking this again, i realize this fits me to a T.

You Have a Choleric Temperament
You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.
You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.
At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

yeah. good times! every single bit of this is true. especially the "proud of your faults"
if you know me at all... you know how freaky scary it is to have a little 5 question quiz (that is usually so vague that it would spit out the correct answer for anyone) give me these results.

and now i'm off to physics lecture. physics lab down this morning.
this getting up at 7am thing is going to get old...


laws of motion

physics II
16 weeks worth of material crammed into 5
my dean says "you'd better do DAMN good in this class or you're going to sit out the next two semesters"
class starts tomorrow
the next year of my life - begins tomorrow
if i fail (yet again) i'm out
and i could possibly lose any and all motivation to finish my degree

An object at rest will remain at rest and an object in motion will remain in motion unless acted on by an outside force.

right now: i'm in motion.
and i'm doing everything in my power to stay that way
physics will NOT stop me
it can't
i won't allow it
i need an A in this class
it's the only way to prove to my dean that no outside force can stop me...

this weekend i went to a wedding
during the wedding i receive a text that my sister had her baby
and then i realize that life is happening
all around me
and it's great
i'm just trying to figure out how to get mine into 1st gear
it's somewhere around here...


sigh... has it been two weeks yet?

There are few things sadder in this life than watching someone walk away after they've left you, watching the distance between your bodies expand until there's nothing... but empty space and silence.

for the next fourteen days my son will not be with me. he will not be in the city. or the state. or the time zone even...

he will be in Pennsylvania!

i'm so depressed. and sad. (in case those are two different things)

this morning was a total hell saying goodbye. my dad took off into the wide world of travel. my mom, dad, and brother are on vacation. going to see the grandparents. the gravel flew about the driveway as my dad peeled out and there i stood in the driveway of their house. crying. their take off was akin to ripping a bandaid off a wound.

for the last 15 months i've spent maybe a handful of nights away from my son. he is my stability. my reason. my everything. my life. and now... now i'm sitting in my house alone. and there is no little boy running around. and i'm not crying because i don't think it's really registered that he won't be running around for another 14 days. i haven't picked up his toys. thrown out his diaper from last night. nothing.


but. school starts monday. i'm working like a mad woman. and time... time just HAS to go by quickly. i'm leaving it no choice. it HAS to. because if it takes too long... i'll go insane.