mommy goggles...

please keep your nasty comments to yourself. i love my son very much and you'll often hear me say that i can't believe i made it this long without him. So anything that you ever hear me say in reference to my son that will make you crinkle your brow and want to send me nasty emails because you can't believe HOW MEAN I AM - is all in fun. so shut it! I am never serious about stupid comments or names i give my son like "booger" or "turd"...

with that being said:

When i was pregnant i kept hoping that i wouldn't get "Mommy Goggles" which is similar to what i had when i got pregnant in the first place (Beer Goggles). So i keep having flashbacks of "A Baby Story" where mom's see their babies and think they are just the most beautiful thing in the world and in reality, people are just lying to you about how "cute he is!" so i was afraid that when he was born, i would have these Mommy goggles and the world around me would be referring me to their eye doctors! The only pretty baby i have seen was my cousin Lucy's. We joke with her telling her that he was so cute when he was born and we didn't have to lie about it!

anyway, i have the most beautiful baby in the world. but the minute he was born, i was like "please switch him in the nursery." he had these big ol' cheeks, a mass of curls on his head, and hair all over his back (flippin' monkey) - in short, he wasn't very cute! and it's okay, i'm fine with that because now that his swelling is down he's much cuter! (plus he's grown into his head!)

so daily i goo and gaa at my son because i can't get over how frickin' beautiful he is! and then there are times like these...



when he makes ugly faces like he's constantly constipated or just plain disgusted with living already! (he must get that from me) These are the moments when i think, "Do i have Mommy Goggles? Is my son actually ugly and i'm just not aware of it??"

but... my son redeems himself everyday when he smiles at me!

so keep your nasty comments to yourself! i may have mommy goggles but i'm proud of it!!!

the weekend's over?!

i can't believe this weekend is already over. i didn't do much. i worked all day saturday and FINALLY had a day off with my son on sunday. This is the newest picture of my little munchkin.



he'll be three months old in two days. everydody always tells me how big he is... and i think he's small for his age. he has really small hands and feet...it's just his big ol' head and it looks even bigger than what it actually is because it's covered in hair.

hmmmm. (sorry, just had a brain fart)

So we went to my friend's house for their weekly cookout. Usually her nephews play in the mud and get super dirty. i'm not understanding why anyone would want their kids to do this on purpose - but they love it. This weekend they ate inside though because the mosquitoes are out like crazy vampires!

So i'm sitting at the table when all of a sudden something pops between my legs. it freaked me out ... but here this is what i saw!



crazy dog... she was BEGGING for food... so i slipped her a weenie.

hmm. (sorry, another brain fart)

anyway, the weekend was pretty calm. i was glad to just hang around the house and stare at laken for hours on end. i never really understood how much i would miss the little turd until i actually started working. it's like i get out of work, pick him up, feed him, bathe him, and then he's out for the night! when am i supposed to play with him? so i think on my days off it's going to be one of those blown out "Mommy and Baby" days. sigh.

and what's the deal with my last post being gross, amber? orgasms are the BEST thing in the WORLD. not very pretty ... but the feeling is awesome, right? so why not die that way? that would be sweet! and i'd get to meet all those millions of brothers and sisters that i never had....

just a thought...

so i was reading my girl EK's blog and totally dated myself by singing "The Safety Dance" to her... and then i got to thinking, while i sit here with my cup of coffee, newspaper tucked under my arm and rollers in my hair that just happen to match my robe...

DAMN I'M OLD!

and then i wonder... why can't we start off old and go backwards. i mean, start off old, barely walking, no teeth, then get our teeth back, get the midlife crisis outta the way early on, reach our sexual prime, work our asses off, go to college, then go back to high school where it's easier, then to junior high, and elementary school and color all day - then lose those teeth again, get our baby teeth back in... stop walking again... become an infant, and ultimately... end things as an ORGASM??

i'm an idiot... and other ramblings...

so maybe the reason i do stupid things like buy the wrong size diapers, come home, open them, and try to put them on my fat bummed little boy - or leave my wallet in the shopping cart for the SECOND time in three months- or try to operate my breast pump without a bottle attached to the bottom of it and leak all over my legs - or ask stupid questions like "Prince is black?" - or forget the name of the child that i shot from my loins - or put my panties on wrong is because i'm up at this time of night:



taking pictures of a damn clock, mind you. actually, this is something that i had been wanting to do for awhile now but couldn't ever find anything to do it with. So, what you do is set your camera on a tripod or steady object and your shutter speed to a slow one and then while the shutter is open, you zooooom in or out. i think this one i zoomed in - so the numbers are big and small...

or maybe i'm just seeing things...

so i saw the baby daddy today. ugh. i KNOW there was alcohol involved with my impaired vision that night. he looks horrid. ick. thank goodness i'm sober now.

i had to taste more olive garden food today - HOW DARE THEM! and well, lemme tell you that both the Pinot Noir and the Pinot Grigio suck ass. they almost knocked me over... or put hair on my chest - one or the other.

anyway... i wrote in my not-so-PG-rated diary. Please do not go here if you don't want to hear perverted stories!!!!

that's all for now... i'm pooped

okay, so lemme rephrase that...

ok - YES he did talk to me. but not much. and never told me his name. but i know that he knows that i know that he likes me. (phew - say that three times fast!) read it again... i'll wait ..............................................................................................

got it?

ok. after i sat at the table, i started eating. he was already eating and well, he kept bumping his elbow into me. I know you're all thinking i'm in high school again... but seriously, we're adults - it was just an accident. so finally i take the not-so-adult approach and say "Am i in your way? do you need me to move??" he says, "no i'm sorry it's just that... " and i don't remember the rest because, let's face it, i'm old and i couldn't care less - i was just surprised he said something to me. I'm running fever at the time and ask my friend's mom to feel my head to see if i'm hot, she says no, but her son says "you're burning!" (like i was on fire!!) so i just sat there and Jeremy said he would feel and started wiping his hands on his napkin, but i told him not to bother, i had a thermometer in my bag. (I'm so stupid sometimes)

and YES! i'm a MOTHER!!! of course i have a thermometer in my bag.

So my temp is 101.7! so i'm miserable and well, he offered to take my plate to the trash cause i was holding laken. but somehow, i ended up taking BOTH mine and his?! dammit!

then it was class time. He apologized again for taking my seat, then for elbowing me several times. I said, "don't worry about it" and then i went to my class, and he to his. But he never said, "hi i'm jeremy" or anything like that... so that is why i initially said that he didn't talk to me.

now that i've talked your ear off....

pastor dan just asked me out...

ok... so it wasn't pastor dan. and i didn't get asked out by a pastor... but close. So our church has this breakfast they serve before you go to sunday school class (we're a really small church), so i'm sitting there eating my biscuits and gravy when my pastor walks up to me and sits down. He's fairly young - mid 30s. He's holding his father's day card... and says, "Chriselda, do you want to meet a grrreat guy?" So i think he's gonna open the card and show me some popbelly grandpa - and i say, "Is it you?" To which he responds with, "I'm MARRIED!" I'm completely lost by now and he says, "THAT kinda meet." So i giggle, i feel like a total jackass.

So he starts going on about this guy, who i will refer to as "Jeremy" (because that's his real name). Tells me all of his stats basically and says that he had asked him about me because he saw me talking to my Pastor. Well, last week the men at the church went on a camping trip and my DAD went. So Pastor Dan says that my dad knows him and likes him, yada yada. Pastor Dan says, "Now chriselda, i was straight to the point with him- i said 'Would you ever marry a girl with a child?'" and i about spit sausage gravy on him! WHY?! why would he ask someone that? but apparently, Jeremy doesn't have an issue with it ( I guess you were right amber). So Pastor Dan goes on to tell me that he's shy and will probably not approach me but pth, if a guy can't come and talk to me... forget it!

So last night we're at church (and yes they feed us) and i'm waiting for the line to go down before i go to get my food. It's gone, so i leave laken in his car seat on the table (oh hush it! he was sleeping!) and go get my food. When i come back, Jeremy's sitting in front of his car seat. i said, "you took my spot!" he apologizes, but doesn't move... so i had to cram my fat-just-had-a-baby-arse between him and the next guy. But no introduction, he didn't talk to me... nothing. so i dunno what the deal is there...

meanwhile, i think my pastor needs to realize he's not Chuck Woolery.

ugh - i can't do ANYTHING original...

...okay, so i know my profile says i refuse to lead a plagairized life... but when it comes to scrappin' and bloggin, i make an exception! ;)


LAYER ONE:
On The Outside
Name: chriselda martina
Nicknames: oh sheesh: Chrisel-DUH, crusty (don't ask), chris, chrissy, anitram (my middle name backwards), dumbass, dork... you know
Birthdate: september 24th
Birthplace: Dumas, TX - the home of the "Ding Dong Daddies!"
Current Location: my computer room... well, at the desk anyway, it's more of a little wall than a room...
Eye Color: caca brown
Hair Color: well, right now it's a combo of colors because once upon a time i used to be able to afford highlights and such... and some of them are still in there. but it's mainly brown.
Height: not very
Righty or Lefty: righty tighty - lefty loosey....
Zodiac Sign: Libra
Religion: well... the kind that reads the bible and doesn't require door-to-door sales is fine by me (no offense!)
Sex: yes please....

LAYER TWO:
In The Inside
Your heritage: hispanic... (I NOT A MESSICAN!) - that's from Clueless so don't throw things at me!!!
The shoes you wore today: what? what kind of question? wanna know my last meal too? sheesh, i wore my black Toe Wedgie shoes...
Who you look like: i'm thinking i look very much like this girl i know... her name is Chriselda... you might know her!
Your weakness: lifting anything over ten pounds DEFINITELY points out my weakness!
Your fears: just about everything scares the piss outta me! dark, heights, spiders, frogs, dying, police officers, The Ring....
Your perfect pizza: preferably a cooked one... with cheese, pepperoni... and a big, thick, ol' crust...
Goal you’d like to achieve: lose 20lbs before Christmas

LAYER THREE:
Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your most overused phrase on AIM/MSN: wtf? sat (shitty ass typer)
Your thoughts first waking up: go back to sleep kid!!! dammit!
Your best physical feature: pth! definitely my washboard abs!! lmFao!!! i dunno, i'll have to go with my eyebrows... that is, until i wash them off at night! haha!
Your bedtime:ummm, i'm not 10 anymore! i can go to sleep whenever i want to!
Your most missed memory: anything about san antonio.... way to go... now i'm depressed!

LAYER FOUR:
Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke: water... with NO lemon
McDonalds or Burger King: ick... can we go to Sonic???
Single or group dates: at this point... just a DATE in general would be nice!
Adidas or Nike: which ones can i get at Payless???
Chocolate or vanilla:ummmm - i dunno. just the fact that it's ice cream is okay with me!Cappuccino or coffee: ok - i hope this doesn't turn into a "Prince is BLACK?!" moment - but isn't cappuccion a coffee?? that's what my instant can of the Cap. says!!!

LAYER FIVE:
Do You?
Smoke: ummmm - not anymore. i don't think i'll pick it up again either... mainly because i'm broke!
Curse: well, no not really. i stopped cussing (don't laugh) when I was about 4 months pregnant because i was afraid the baby would *hear* me... i still say ass, dammit, hell. I guess in a way i DO cuss because i am still somewhat saying the words when i say "flip, friggin', and effin').
Sing: yes i do. laken gets a kick out of it... and i'm not sure if it's because i suck, or because he likes it!
Have had a crush(es): yeah. but they were all celebrities.
Think you’ve been in love: i KNOW i was...
Want to get married: again? ummmmm, not for a LONG time. but if you think about it, if you never get married, you never have to get a divorce....
Believe in yourself: absolutely... if i don't, nobody else will!
Motion sickness: nah.
Think you’re attractive: i thought you asked if i think i'm "creative" i'm such a putz! ummm i don't think i'm ugly... but i don't think i'm the kind of person that would make you do a double take...
Think you’re a health freak: i am... but it's all talk!
Get along with your parents: yes. here lately, i've become super close with my momma. ACK!
Like thunderstorms: as long as i can collect hail damage insurance checks.
Play an instrument: yes... piano, flute, clarinet, and i can play twinkle twinkle little star on the guitar

LAYER SIX:
Have you ever…
Smoked: yes...
Done a drug: yes. several times. and i can't say that i won't do it again... i know that sounds horrible. i've only done marijuana and i'm not a pot head... just like to do it every now and then...
Gone to the mall?: what?
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: i can't say that i have...
Eaten sushi: yes. i am not a fan.... but well, ya gotta try everything at least once, right?
Been on stage: yes....and i have stage fright
Gone skating: oh sure. rollerskates, ice skates, roller blades
Gone skinny dipping: i don't think i was ever skinny. well, at least i never thought i was skinny enough to bare all
Stolen anything: lmao.... just call me Wynona. yes, yes, i have... i'm a klepto (kidding - or am i??)
Played a game that required removal of clothing: not sober at least...
Been called a tease: yeah...
Gotten beaten up:several times...
Shoplifted: didn't i already answer this question?

LAYER SEVEN:
Getting Older
Age you hope to be married: i was already married... not in a big rush to do THAT again!
Numbers and Names of Children: one... laken alexander. no more... i don't want to do that whole pregnancy crap again
Describe your dream wedding: just to be married to the *right* man next time is all that matters to me...
How do you want to die: in a car accident... something fast so i don't have to suffer
What do you want to be when you grow up: a grown up
What country would you most like to visit:the United States of America...

LAYER NINE:
In a partner
Best eye color?: does it really matter??
Best hair color?: see above...
Short or long hair: sigh.
Height: at least taller than me... i have to feel protected
Best articles of clothing: the one that comes off easily?? i dunno.

LAYER TEN:
In The Numbers…
Number of drugs taken illegally:one...
Number of CDs that you own: ummm please don't make me do this...
Number of piercings: the most at one time was... 9... currently - 5
Number of tattoos: no thank you... i'm a ninny
Number of times your name has appeared in the newspaper: i dunno... good question. i used to play basketball so i dunno...

NOW THAT I'VE BORED YOU TO TEARS....

Just call me Wynona!

Rider that is...

** First i wanna pose the question, "What is it about Cappuccino that makes me need to use the restroom?"

(more than you wanted to know i'm sure... but you ARE reading my *diary*)

Ok - now onto the post...

I'm stealing this from Amber who stole this from Julie, who stole it from Ten on Tuesday, who perhaps is the original.

...now that i'm free from Plagairism

10 Things i WiSh i'd kNoWn in HiGh ScHooL:

1. what you learn here IS actually going to be used again... maybe not in the *real world* but at least in college!

2. taking 4 office aide periods my Junior and Senior year instead of actual class was NOT a good idea!

3. that BOY that i talked to five years after high school had the potential to be my first true love.

4. that i WASN'T fat at 121lbs. despite the football players telling me that they loved me "Just the weight" i was!!

5. that i should've held on to my virginity for someone who gave a flip!

6. that popularity and whether or not you were a cheerleader or the star Football player, will mean absolutely NOTHING after high school, so why fret about it now?

7. that bashing some chics head into a locker repeatedly is a GREAT way to land myself into ISS - regardless of how much she flippin' deserved it.

8. that my best guy friend in High school would become my loser-baby-daddy seven years later.

9. that getting good grades WAS ok!

10. That life exists outside of high school... this isn't even PREPARATION!

throw me a friggin' bone!

why can't life be easy? i've had a string of bad luck the last three days.

so tuesday i go to apply at Olive Garden because i'm broke. and the manager asks me how many college hours i've earned, i tell him "67" and he asks my major - "Biology with an emphasis of Pre-Med" all of a sudden, his eyes get all buggy and he asks me if maybe i'm "overqualified for this position" and why don't i "try to get a job at the hospital?" ooooooook? i was like, I'm broke, YOU'RE HIRING!!! c'mon buddy!

so he hands me this 172 question questionnare. no, you read it correctly! 172!!! so i sit down and start answering questions about my stress management, leadership, honesty, yada yada. then he makes me sign a release for yet ANOTHER credit check. sheesh! now i'm frustrated. great, if i can't get a job at the OLIVE GARDEN....????

so he says "come back tomorrow at 2pm and your interview will be with Mark." okie dokie! so i pick laken up from the sitter, ask her to watch him tomorrow at 1:30-ish. SURE!!! then i go to wal-mart to buy milk and some odds and ends...

Then the SAN ANTONIO SPURS LOSE!!

fast forward to interview day... it's 1:30, i'm running late, and i can't find my flippin' diaper bag! so i just throw some stuff in a bag and go. drive to the sitter's knock on her door... and she's NOT THERE!!! so i then haul ass to my cousin's house so she can watch Laken... practically drop him off at the curb and drive away with the door still open... (i'm only kidding!)

i get to my interview 20 minutes late. but i thought i'd be smooth and say "oh he said '2:30'" I get there... and there are about five other people waiting so phew, no worries. Finally i'm up for the interview and he starts asking me questions... then gives me this "don't call us, we'll call you attitude." So i'm disappointed, he's not gonna hire me. He says, "any questions?" So i ask him what the little quiz was about and he starts off on some tangent.... super excited about it. Then i ask him "why should I work for Olive Garden?? So he gets all warm and fuzzy inside and basically SELLS his company to me. (not a bad company to work for!). So then i tell him that i want to make sure that i fit for them, but more importantly, that THEY fit with ME. That my son is my priority, that providing for him is important to me, and that i NEED to be with a company that will allow me to go to school and grow beyond the career of a waitress. Then he looks at me and says "You know what chriselda? I'm gonna give you this job!" wooooooooooooohooooo!

so i walk out with a job, and try to put his business card in my wallet. but where the hell is the wallet? in my diaper bag!!! so i drive home... no wallet. I'm back trackin' now... last time i had it was at wal-mart. and guess what? I'm almost certain that i left it in the shopping cart! Not only did i lose my wallet (again) but i lost he whole flippin' diaper bag! how does this happen? TWICE! IN THREE MONTHS?! so i lost everything ... again! my social security card, license, laken's insurance card, shot records... ugh!

so i'm feeling down on myself and i'm sitting on my cousin's couch, holding Laken when her husband says he's going to leave. Fine. He leaves then a couple of minutes later he comes back in and says "chriselda... ummmm, i hit your car." At this point, i'm not even bothered by ANYTHING so i say "ok" and walk outside. This is what i see :



That's it! i'm feeling defeated so i just call it a night.

This morning, i call down to the staffing agency where i applied for my old job. Ask her if i can have the copy of the copy of my ID and SS card. (this way i can take it to OG so they can PAY ME!) and she says "sure, and by the way, i got your approval this morning. You're hired!!" YAY ME! two jobs! of course the second one is much better, but i can't start there until August 8th. So i'll work OG until then and then maybe work evenings after that but still keep the other position. So today is looking better until i call the university and you know that Physics lab i took and got a B in??? Well, guess what? It doesn't transfer over... i have to take it again.

not too much bad news today. on the bright side, laken hasn't pooped on me!!!

thanks alot kid!!!

my son just pooped on me! this is the umpteenth time that he's done it too. One day i was feeding him, and i put him on my lap, cross my legs indian style, and he starts pooping. Well, lemme just say that the position i had him in was perfect for spilling out his poopie and it landed all over me! it literally felt like i had wet my pants!

(not that i know what that feels like)

the abuse! i swear! i'd like to turn him into Parental Protection Services. Seriously, why don't they have these things? I remember being mean to my mom... why can't kids go to jail for mistreating their parents? Kinda a double standard don't you think? Laken has scratched me, kicked me numerous times, made me suffer from lack of sleep, i've gone through malnutrition because EVERYTHING I EAT GOES STRAIGHT TO HIM!

Why? Why me?! All i ask is that his bodily functions don't spill out onto me. his vomit, his poop and he's even PEED on me! three times in the last two days!

ahhhhh, the joys of motherhood!

all for nothing!!!

do you ever think that you're a little too excited about something? that the cliche that it's "too good to be true" is... well, TRUE??

so i got this awesome job working for an insurance company, show up for work monday morning (after going through the angst of leaving my baby behind at the sitter's) and BAH! i get fired. well, i was never officially *hired* because they can't hire me because i have (gasp!) bad credit!!!

what?!

what does that have to do with anything? and they say "it's because it tells us about your character!" character my ass! you know NOTHING about me from the way i pay my bills... and hey, life happens people! Divorce happens, unplanned pregnancies!!! and sometimes bills take a back seat to life!!!

anyway, i got all dressed up yesterday morning, drove to the sitter's house, dropped laken off and thought i was gonna cry - but didn't. i get to work, sit through training for an hour, then they tell me... so i go back home. and sleep for the rest of the day!

so i've spent the entire day updating my resume and trying to think of every residence, traffic violation, etc... that have taken place in the last 7 years. what?! all for an interview i have tomorrow afternoon. this is for the electric company that i worked for before i moved to San Antonio five years ago. why can't they just look at my HR file and rehire me?! ugh!

and amber, if you're reading this and since you work in HR, what does credit have to do with it? and how is this NOT discrimination?!

let me get off my soap box now...

Try a little sadness....

i've been singing Otis Redding's "try a little tenderness" today so it inspired my title.

i'm sad. sad. excited. nervous. anxious. relieved. but mostly sad. sad because i am going to be returning to work and will be away from my little man on a daily basis now.

I've spent the last nine weeks just holding him and staring at him and noticing every new eyelash, witnessing every smile... and now i have to return to work and i'm going to miss the milestones in his life...

sigh.

on a funnier note, i forgot my son's name last night and ended up calling him "what's his name." This is just adding to the list of crazy things that go on in my little world... I thought you were only supposed to be this absent-minded when you're pregnant. but it's been nine weeks... i can't use that excuse anymore.

i'd like a dose of "Remember-cilin" please... STAT!