Just As i Am...


i need help...

in the worst way possible.

so... i'll try to make this as simple and short as possible, but i really need opinions and/or prayers...

Laken and I went in for DNA testing Tuesday and well... this is a long web-like story... but here goes:

His "dad" Ray and i went to high school together. we were really good friends blah blah... but never got involved. We, therefore, have mutual "friends." One of these friends just happened to start dating him right after i found out i was pregnant. So she starts getting defensive when it came to me griping at him for not even calling or contributing ANYTHING toward my pregnancy (which i wasn't expecting but was nonetheless surprised that it was so easy for him to forget i was carrying his child). So she hates me. Childish.

and i'm above that.

so i'm there waiting for DNA testing and she walks in! gives me this ugly go-to-hell look and i swear to GOD! i wanted to set laken down in his carrier and beat her effin' face in! but i didn't... and she walked in to do whatever she was doing there at the clinic. (i'll keep my nasty comments to myself).

secondly - my friend Amy's boyfriend is a bartender here in town and he saw Ray come in one day to see his new "girlfriend." When he tried to tell her "just be careful" she smarted off about already knowing about me and how i didn't show up for the DNA test the first time (in August).

of course i didn't show up - i am working two jobs to support the kid in the first place... OUR kid! so ... drama. i found out yesterday from another one of my friends that they had a fight that night and she told him that if i didn't end up showing up for the DNA testing, that she wanted Ray to come after me for the $600 he had to hand over. (JAW DROP!) i don't need no stinkin' paternity test.... i already KNOW it's his kid. and if i had a choice of who Laken's father is... it wouldn't be him.

Thirdly - i find out that a girl that i work with at the electric company (who is absolutely adorable) is very possible carrying Laken's little sister. SIGH. Turns out, this girl - who i talk to at work, offered up my maternity clothes, asked about baby shower and registry information, talk to on an almost-daily basis - was dating Ray during my pregnancy and thought she was cool with it since i had gotten pregnant BEFORE they met and yada yada. Well, apparently she went over to his mom's house one day, saw my baby shower invitation and decided that it was all "too real" and "intense" for her. So she broke up with him. She then found another boyfriend, who she is still with now, and is waiting to deliver so she knows who the "father" is. and she's afraid of me... she gets nervous when i talk to her.

******** This is not me... this is not my character... this is not the kind of people that i associate with. This is the Jerry Springer/Maury Povich crap that i wanted to stay away from. call me a snob, call me a bitch... whatever! but i'm seriously ABOVE this... and i don't want to deal with this my entire life. i was drunk, whoops, and here he is. i can't change that... but i don't know what to do about my... HIS future.

When Ray asked me for the paternity test, i told my mother that i was going to (after the results came in) ask him to relinquish his rights as a father and i would leave him alone and he could do the same. My mom thinks this is a bad idea - that i should stick him with child support because he won't come around anyway - might as well give me money.

When i was growing up my biological father came in and out of my life and just basically reaked havoc in my life. i don't talk to him today and when people ask me if Laken's met his "grandpa" i simply say "we LIVE with him!" then they say, not your step dad - your real dad.... and i say "he wasn't a father to me - why should he be a grandfather to laken?"

the thing is - i don't want to take that away from laken. what if he asks me one day why his real dad doesn't come around. what if he asks me why i asked him to relinquish his rights. what if he says i didn't KNOW what kind of father Ray was going to make and i took that opportunity away from him to begin with???

will my child despise me for being a cynic, a realist, a logical thinker, a skeptic? what if Ray is the only father Laken will ever know of and i'm nipping that in the bud right now?

Ray says that "if" Laken is his that he wants to be put on the birth certificate - that he will fight to have his name changed. and as i sit here crying, i ask "What effin' right does he have to change that? this is MY child... has been for the last 5 months! and the last 14 months that laken has been in our life, i'm the only one that's even given a damn about him! everything laken has is because I've given it to him or because MY family has provided it for him. and that includes LOVE! i don't get phone calls... i don't get gifts... he doesn't get visited... he doesn't even get diapers from them! why should he be part of THEIR family???" WHY?!

and here i am... surrounded by him and i want to get myself and my son out of this town. want to get away from him... from everything that he is and everything that comes with him....

but is that something that i am taking from my son? i'm almost positive ray will relinquish his rights... but he just might NOT to spite me. but if that's the case - i'll hunt his ass down for every last effin' cent he owes this child. i will make him financially responsible. if he doesn't come around now (when he can do it for free) why would he do it later? he won't be an integral part of laken's life if he stays "involved" - He's just gonna come in and change his name... change everything that i've done so far and then bail out on me... us. HIM! He'll fade off into nothing and come around to screw everything up like my dad did.

am i really looking out for my son's interest? or am i being selfish? i need your honest opinions - not what you think i want to hear. more importantly.... i just need prayer... and thoughts.

i thought i said this would be short and sweet???


At 8:01 AM , Blogger Jen said...

What the hell right does he have to change that kids name when he's not even involved in his life???? Has he even tried to see Laken? Cuz if he has, that's a different story altogether. But it doesn't seem like he has, so screw him. Grrrr.........are you gonna be home this evening?

At 8:14 AM , Blogger Chris-el-da said...

i lived in san antonio for the entirety of my pregnancy and laken's birth. we came to A-town (where ray lives) for a visit when laken was two weeks old. we were here for 10 days and i called him the second i landed at the airport to let him know and he asked me to bring him over. i said "absolutely not! i will NOT go out of my way to make your life easier on you" and he replied with "well i don't have time!" in ten days he was gonna have trouble finding time. so i called his mom to let her know as well... and he came over with her. and he held him perpendicular to his body for about 5 minutes. didn't really look at him because he was apparently more interested in the conversations going on around him. He's seen laken ONCE and when we were in the hospital for his virus, he stayed away. He was out of town partying for everyone's graduations.

and this... is how high on a priority list my son is.

laken is MY son and well, thank you sperm donor, but your contributions are no longer necessary. not that you had any to begin with.

and seriously, he has a kid already, laken, and possibly one on the way? does this guy just need a warm place to put it???

At 9:07 AM , Blogger Kirsten said...

ok, well you don't know me, and I don't know you. I found your blog through Nichole's blog. But I found myself having to comment on your post. It sounds to me like you are a great, loving mother. Your son's father sounds like a jerk, who just wants to try to control the situation he helped to create, but then have nothing to do with, but then breezed back in to try to take control again. I am fully supportive of your idea to get him to sever parental rights if that's what you want. You only want what's best for your son. His father may breeze in and out of his life, but there will be other positive male role models in his life -- like your (step) dad. . . and there will be others. Hang in there and stay strong, and I hope you don't think I'm too weird for posting these things when I don't even know you. Take care sweetie.

At 9:19 AM , Blogger island girl said...

awwww...sweetie!! i'm totally aching for you. I hate the situation that you're in, and I hate that Ray is screwing around with Laken's life!! You give me his address and I'll go over there and beat him up for you! And while I'm there I'll knock some sense into him!

At 11:18 AM , Blogger Traci said...

I am so sorry you are having to go through all this - I feel awful. I have no words of advice but I can tell you are asking the right questions and that you really want to do right by Laken and because of that you will do the right by him.

At 12:11 PM , Blogger Klala said...

Well this is almost impossible to answer. No matter what you decide, Laken could potentially resent you for it. Obviuosly Ray doesn't give a fuck about the situation, and continues to make the same mistake...so I would go for the money. Not for nothing, but you are busting your ass and he doesn't help at all. I DON'T THINK SO!!! That is bullshit.

I am praying for you.

At 3:09 PM , Blogger tRicia said...

hun...my sister is going through the same thing. i can't believe how insensitive men can be (not all men...just "those" men). and don't get me started on his mother. she called last week and all but cussed my sister out because she wasn't invited to the shower. um, yeah, where has she been the last EIGHT months???? ugh...i don't know what to say...other than really really think about it. but, i think you are already doing that...so i will just pray for you!

At 3:23 PM , Blogger Jess said...

I think that you are totally within your rights to ask him to relinquish his rights. Having someone breeze in and out of his life, offering disappointment after disappointment is not doing him any favours. There are many other opportunities for "male role models", and if he is really such a negative force, you are both better off without him.

If, years down the line, Laken wants to find his biological father, so be it. He will have to answer those questions about why he chose not to be around.

At 9:13 PM , Blogger Emily Kate said...

I wish I had some kind of helpful comment to give you! Really I'm just sorry you have to go through this.

At 7:54 AM , Blogger amberdusk said...

Hun you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you already know what you want. But don't rule out child support yet until you have really thought about it. It is HARD working so much to support you and your little fam. Oh and that girl who is being a total Beatch, She will get 10 times over what is coming to her. Look at who she is dating. Best of luck to you and keep us updated on your decission.

At 7:57 AM , Blogger Vicki said...

I'm so sorry! What a crazy situation. If you want my honest opinion, I think you're doing the right thing. If he isn't going to be a father there's no reason to have him involved at all. I have a great dad and when my parents got divorced he was still always around. That being said, I don't think that a child needs just any dad. Laken won't grow up any better because he has a loser in his life. He needs a real, great dad or none at all if you ask me. You love him to pieces and can raise him on your own just fine! I'll be thinking of you two.


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