well well well....

first off Happy Birthday Jessica!!!

I hope your day is/was a blast and that the coming year is just as mah-velous!!!

Now... this morning was horrific.

i'm sick. i'm drained. i'm exhausted. i've hit a mini-depression because i am a year older than i was this time last year. i am sad because that person that i thought was so "wonderful" turned out to be a total ass and well... i'm here again, broken. I won't say heartbroken because i won't allow it. but nonetheless, i am indeed upset that i trusted someone again- let them in... and it bit me in the butt again!

So i took my pseudo-ephedrine hydrochloride this morning (aka Sudafed - i promise i'm not trying to portray myself as a genius - even though i AM one!) . Drove to school and couldn't find any energy to get out of the car. So i fell asleep. yes, right there in the parking lot while listening to Kidd Kradick - the best morning show ev-ah. I woke up because my mom was calling my cell phone. She says, "Chris, a letter from the Attorney General came in. I think it's the results of your paternity test. Do you want me to open it."

So i say yes... i have no worries - i KNOW who the father of my child is. She opens it...

drum roll please....

"Sperm Donor Gonzales is... not included as the biological father of Laken." I immediately start laughing.

"You're joking right?"

"No" And she goes on to read the results of the paternity/ DNA match up and how i matched Laken's DNA but daddy didn't. So she starts in - "are you SURE he's the dad?"

At this point i'm shaking. Not crying. Not worried. I'm pissed. How did this happen? How is he NOT the father? And my mom is asking who i was with before and after HIM. which was - nobody. My mom immediately thinks it's the ex-husband. Where did she get that from?? Wierdo. So i hang up - my mom is saddened. Thinks her daughter "is a tramp."

and i'm at a loss. loss for what to think. say. feel. and it just ADDS to everything. So i call my friend and tell her. She's equally disturbed and baffled. And we both decide, mainly since Laken looks just like his father, that he must've had someone ELSE go in for him.

i'm shaking. i'm upset. i'm pissed. and decide that since they took our picture when we went in to get our mouths swabbed - that i want to see Daddy's picture. So i call my mom - give me the number on the letter so i can call and have this investigated.

more questions. more "think, chriselda... who else could the father be?" and i'm shaking.

I call the AG. Say "can you please tell me the results?" and the lady says "they're positive."

what?! but... my.... but my mom... "My mom said he is not included as the biological father."

"Noooooooo. The letter reads: He is not EXcluded as the biological father."

sigh. relief. more shaking. Raymond IS the father. still shaking. Thank you. goodbye.

"Mom! you need to learn how to READ!" and then it's all ok. we're laughing...

and that was my scare this morning. Laken is 6 months old today. He is my life. My dreams. My future. My past. My now. My ending. And well... i want him all to myself. I know that most of you know my dilemma concerning the relinquishing of rights. And i pray that he gives them up. I want this beautiful little boy all to myself. No ugliness. No heartbreak because his father is THERE but absentee...

*****sorry this is such a drag. I'm sick. My chest and back hurt from sneezing all day yesterday. My heart aches because my son's father now has the option to be there or not. And he's going to fight me. And it has nothing to do with being his father - he'll do this to SPITE ME! My body has aged. My mind realizes that i'm old. That this fight will age me even more. I'm 26 going on death. I'm tired. I'm sad.

My effer dare #9 will be posted later today. Seemed so appropriate right now. And i'll try to get some photos up this weekend of my birthday weekend so it will drown out this ick-post!