Just As i Am...


still breathing....

well, i'm still alive - not sure if i'm actually breathing though. I've worked my little ass off this week and i'm sick of it. See, rundown...

my son was born in march, then i lost my job TWO DAYS before returning back to work from Maternity leave. it was a dirty hand my employers left me - but well, it brought me back home and here i am. i went FOUR months without working. So that equates to two months behind on the car payment. so now that i'm working again, i have to haul ass because i have a car payment, daycare, and random baby stuff to purchase all the time. (i get no help from daddy).

So this week:

i missed my DNA testing appointment. but apparently he showed up. the jackass. i seriously hope all sorts of bad things happen to him. i don't call him, don't answer HIS calls... he can eff off for all i care. he's had NO part in my son... other than the sperm donation - thankyouverymuch. and he's just there... less than 20 minutes away from US.... his son. and he asks me for a paternity test?! that things costs close to $600! all he has to do is look at the kid... he's the flippin' spit and image of him. so in four months of Laken's life, he's seen his father ONCE! ONCE!!! but really, at this point, who cares? and honestly - it's better that way.

I've worked from 8am-10pm or later in order to get car payments, daycare money, etc. I work a double today. i miss my life. miss my son who's spending the weekend with my aunt. i came home last night and looked at an empty crib. that's the saddest thing in the world.

I've spent a couple of moments with the new guy. i don't think this is going to work out. He's this big-tie Christian. And after our little suck-face situations, he decides that he doesn't want to build a relationship with me based on the physical and that he has spent his life to this point in the *wrong* kind of relationships, so he doesn't need another one. So.... he wants to back off physically and just be friends, get to know each other, and so on before we decide that we want to take things any further. which, is honestly a NEW thing to me. But i keep thinking... well, chriselda, this might be a good thing for you. this might be something that you NEED in your life. someone that you need. someone that is interested in more than your chest and getting into your pants. Sooooo, he calls the other night, wants to know if i can come over. Which is weird because he normally doesn't let me in his house. says "we know where that can lead to." So i'm there and we're just talking and then i decide it's time to take my little tush home. he walks me to my car... and that's it. sigh. Life confuses me. He confuses me. and well, i think i'm just too tired physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually to try to pursue something. especially when i'm gonna have to play a cat and mouse game. So i guess - i'll leave things up to him and if he decides later that he wants something... i only hope i'm around.

****in other news ****

yes, i'm singing at my church. I can't say that i'm any good at it. but well, i'm not bad. i have stage fright out the wazoo. My friend Brad records artists for a living and well, he recorded me once... or twice... and many times when i was just goofin' off. Anyway, i made him turn all the lights off so he couldn't see me and vice versa. It's so cool to be in a freakin' studio and record yourself like that. Made me feel very professional.

Anyway, i picked out the song and have been singing it all week... day in and day out. trying to get my feel for it - make it mine (wink, kristi). I don't want to just walk up there and be a carbon copy of the original artist. It's a good song... just very nervous about it.

Jen - tell your honey that there IS a connection with coffee and a morning BM. also one with Taco Bell... but that's a given.

I'm so happy that my girls are getting their cards. I sent a few out last week... they are so much fun to make. So keep an eye on your mailbox. sometimes i like to just send random stuff out. I sent a card to one of the girls who is spending mad time at Starbucks studying for her test... Isaac had gone with me to purchase the gift card to get her some coffee. He says "you're only getting your friend a $5 card?" i was like, "friend? well... i don't really even KNOW this girl... " and well, that opened a can of worms. It's hard to explain my little community of friends. I feel weird about it sure... but i can't help it. honestly i think some of you - most of you are better friends than the ones i have in the flesh. Thinkers. feelers. something more than face value.

so i'm eternally grateful! (did i spell that correctly?)

i have to go take my weekly shower now. haha! i'm working a double today. thank GOD for deodorant.


At 8:52 AM , Blogger Ashley said...

You for real need to be collecting some hardcore child support from this guy. Whether he's a part of Laken's life or not, that's his child and he at least should be financially responsible for him. Not that you *can't* do it on your own, but you shouldn't *have* to. You didn't have that baby by yourself. You shouldn't kill yourself trying to make ends meet!

At 10:00 AM , Blogger Klala said...

Hearing your deadbeat dad issues really pisses me the eff off. I am so sorry that it has to be that way. I pray that things can change for the better.

As far as the new guy, there's nothing wrong w/ just being friends for a bit. If it's meant to be, the physical stuff will just creep back in. Isin't it better to build a relationship based on friendship than on sexual feelings that will eventually fade?

Unless of course he is playing you, then screw him and his games. I'm not there so I don't know, lol.

I hear ya about the internet friends...we are so much more real and open here...sharing our thoughts and feelings. Very cool indeed.

Good luck w/ them doubles. I know they're a bitch.

At 11:20 AM , Anonymous Emily Kate said...

Sorry to hear about the situation with the new guy. He does sound like a good guy tho, so I hope that maybe something can work out for you! Don't push love away. :)

At 10:40 PM , Blogger tRicia said...

that sucks about laken's dad. i should totally email you to talk things over about your sit. and my sisters. is it wrong that i don't want the daddy of my nephew to even come around? (i mean now...and after he is born!).

my boyfriend totally doesn't get the online "friend" thing. oh well...sometimes he doesn't "get" me either. :0

At 9:58 AM , Blogger Missy said...

I'm sorry about Laken's absent dad... or let's just call him the sperm donor.
You are one tough chick...and you will get through this.

as for new dude. sounds like a good idea. you sound TOO busy to take on a full time relationship... so friends, in my opinion, might be just what you need!

I'm sure your voice is beautiful... let us know how it goes.

Good luck on the double...

and we, your internet friends, may not KNOW you, but we LOVE you!!
And we're pretty darn fun too :)

At 7:30 PM , Blogger Amber said...

Girl, life always knows how to through some shit in your face doesn't it? I understand you totally. I pray that the bitterness and anger (that is well deserved) will soon fade, cause I know that I was not truly happy being a mama until I was able to let it go. OF course there are days when it returns for a short visit....but i pray that you will be able to get to this point as well. It is a long journey...trust me. Took me a good 2 years. I heart you chick.....

At 11:45 AM , Blogger Jen said...

I totally get you about calling each other 'friends'. And you're real life freinds look at you like you've lost your marbles. I know. And, I feel the same way. I love all my on-line buddies.

Sorry about the paternal ass-bag, tell him to take a loooong hike. Jerk-off.

About the new guy...go with your gut sweetie. But I don
t blame you for not wanting to play the games, it's a lot of work, and a pain in the ass. But then again, if you never give anyone a chance...how will you find IT?? Ya know??

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