Just As i Am...

7.19.2005

it must've been....

love? i dunno.

if you haven't seen this already - here it is:

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this is brendan. Meet brendan. he and i went to high school together. we were a small school, with 63 people in my graduating class. Brendan was a year older than me and we never really talked in High School. He graduated Valedictorian, was super smart and one day about two weeks before he graduates, he says something to me. It was actually something rude, but it got my attention and we ended spending that summer together. He was going to move off to college about two hours away from me - but i liked him that summer... probably loved him but didn't let myself. So he moves, i cried... and then sends me a dozen white roses for my birthday telling me he wants to be more than friends. I freaked out because i didn't want to carry on a long distance relationship and basically told him not to call anymore.

The thing is... i always knew what the potential was ... and i think it scared me.

So five years later, i'm driving down the street in San Antonio, and all of a sudden start thinking about him. So i call up his Parental Units and ask where he is, blah blah. He's living in Alabama, not married, no kids... nothing. "Here's his number, chriselda."

oooook. so i call him. it was a monday night and we talked for FOUR hours!!! the next week, he was on a plane to San Antonio. I swear the second he came around the corner at the airport i fell in love. i just *felt* it. So we dated for 8 months. Did that whole long distance relationship thing. and it sucked. we racked up so many miles. i would see him once a month... two if i was lucky. We had gotten pretty serious - talked about one of us relocating. Turns out, the company that he works for has an office in San Antonio. He tried for the transfer - never got it. After beating myself up with not being around him on a daily basis, getting jealous because he had female friends (not mad but sad that he could spend time with them everyday, and i couldn't) and us just overall having a HUGE obstacle... I decide... it's over.

Takes me forever to get over him. so, last night i'm looking through my Media player, trying to find a new song for my soundtrack album, and come across a song that brendan LOVED! so i decide, i'm gonna call him. The phone's ringing, my stomach's in knots... he answers, "Chriselda?" i said, "how did you know it was me??" and i forget what he said.

we talk for about 20 minutes, and i say "are you still in Alabama?"
"no"
silence... and i'm thinking he got that transfer to Colorado.
"I'm in San Antonio..."
and that was the moment. that was the moment that it felt like i was being choked by the throat, someone reaced in and took a hold of my heart and i swear it must've stopped beating. It took everything in me not to bust out into tears. How can he live in San Antonio now?? HOW!?

he's been there for 3 weeks. i just left there. JUST LEFT!

the one person i feel like i've loved the way i'm supposed to love is now where i used to be. he said he was walking on the Riverwalk and thought alot about me because ... well, we were there together. we "WERE" something in San Antonio. and there are our paths - almost crossing again. And i'm so upset about it.

I told my friend last night that it's not that i think we would've gotten back together, but it's that there are so many "what ifs" - it's an open-ended situation. Brendan and i didn't end because one of us screwed it all up. we ended because we couldn't really keep it going. distance was just too big of a factor.

and there he is...

and here i am.... sigh.

12 Comments:

At 9:18 AM , Blogger ~Krystyn~ said...

Doesn't timing just suck somtimes...gosh, I'm sorry that you've missed each other again...how far away from SA are you now?

 
At 9:42 AM , Blogger Jen said...

OMG, I got goose bumps reading this. WHat a crappy situation, just try to remember that everything happens for a reason...

Hugs, Jen

 
At 12:53 PM , Blogger island girl said...

wow...i'm just not sure what else to say to that...i agree with the other jen, things do happen for a reason, i think it sucks that the two of you are just almost crossing paths but not quite...but there's a reason.

 
At 1:36 PM , Blogger Caroline said...

oh man. that totally sucks!

 
At 3:28 PM , Blogger Vicki said...

That's so strange. At the same time, I'm a fairly big believer in fate. If you were meant to be together then you probably would have ended up in the same city at the same time. I know that doens't help much...

 
At 5:37 PM , Blogger Kristen said...

Wow, I had goose bumps too. I hope things work out for you. "Everything happens for a reason" is so cliche but so true. What's meant to be will always find away. If it isn't meant then or even now, you never know your paths could cross again and everything just fall into place.

 
At 7:59 PM , Blogger Jen said...

Hey chicky, I couldn't find a link to your e-mail addy, so here I am. I'm all about swapping!! I know you wanna do one, Levi does and so do I. Those Effers have rocked the swapthing, and make me wanna try, lol. So send me your e-mail, k?? Gonna see if couple more people wanna do it, then set it up. E-mail me at jenjock1@yahoo.com.

Hugs, jen

 
At 4:14 PM , Anonymous Emily Kate said...

That's it, move back to SA, right now!

 
At 7:30 AM , Blogger Klala said...

Wow. First of all I love your handwriting. Second you are so pretty. Third I love that lo. Fourth...What an annoying situation. I wonder what will happen next....

 
At 7:30 PM , Blogger Amber said...

girl i hope your situation pans out. EVERYTHING Happens for some crazy ass reason. it just pisses me off that we don't know it when we really want to.....
RG and my relationship was a crazy situation...but it happened...and it is real.
hope all things good for you lovie....

 
At 4:00 PM , Blogger Alexandra Wieckowski said...

Love your layout!

Timing is the worst :( Is there anyway you can go after him?! (I'm a dreamer).

 
At 6:56 PM , Anonymous Missy said...

I know it's cliche, but I gotta say- Everything happens for a reason.

I HATED moving to Ohio... was desperate to get back to Cali. Then I met Jon. And California? It's nice to visit ;)

Give it time chickie, it'll work out the way it's supposed to.

 

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