it must've been....

love? i dunno.

if you haven't seen this already - here it is:



this is brendan. Meet brendan. he and i went to high school together. we were a small school, with 63 people in my graduating class. Brendan was a year older than me and we never really talked in High School. He graduated Valedictorian, was super smart and one day about two weeks before he graduates, he says something to me. It was actually something rude, but it got my attention and we ended spending that summer together. He was going to move off to college about two hours away from me - but i liked him that summer... probably loved him but didn't let myself. So he moves, i cried... and then sends me a dozen white roses for my birthday telling me he wants to be more than friends. I freaked out because i didn't want to carry on a long distance relationship and basically told him not to call anymore.

The thing is... i always knew what the potential was ... and i think it scared me.

So five years later, i'm driving down the street in San Antonio, and all of a sudden start thinking about him. So i call up his Parental Units and ask where he is, blah blah. He's living in Alabama, not married, no kids... nothing. "Here's his number, chriselda."

oooook. so i call him. it was a monday night and we talked for FOUR hours!!! the next week, he was on a plane to San Antonio. I swear the second he came around the corner at the airport i fell in love. i just *felt* it. So we dated for 8 months. Did that whole long distance relationship thing. and it sucked. we racked up so many miles. i would see him once a month... two if i was lucky. We had gotten pretty serious - talked about one of us relocating. Turns out, the company that he works for has an office in San Antonio. He tried for the transfer - never got it. After beating myself up with not being around him on a daily basis, getting jealous because he had female friends (not mad but sad that he could spend time with them everyday, and i couldn't) and us just overall having a HUGE obstacle... I decide... it's over.

Takes me forever to get over him. so, last night i'm looking through my Media player, trying to find a new song for my soundtrack album, and come across a song that brendan LOVED! so i decide, i'm gonna call him. The phone's ringing, my stomach's in knots... he answers, "Chriselda?" i said, "how did you know it was me??" and i forget what he said.

we talk for about 20 minutes, and i say "are you still in Alabama?"
"no"
silence... and i'm thinking he got that transfer to Colorado.
"I'm in San Antonio..."
and that was the moment. that was the moment that it felt like i was being choked by the throat, someone reaced in and took a hold of my heart and i swear it must've stopped beating. It took everything in me not to bust out into tears. How can he live in San Antonio now?? HOW!?

he's been there for 3 weeks. i just left there. JUST LEFT!

the one person i feel like i've loved the way i'm supposed to love is now where i used to be. he said he was walking on the Riverwalk and thought alot about me because ... well, we were there together. we "WERE" something in San Antonio. and there are our paths - almost crossing again. And i'm so upset about it.

I told my friend last night that it's not that i think we would've gotten back together, but it's that there are so many "what ifs" - it's an open-ended situation. Brendan and i didn't end because one of us screwed it all up. we ended because we couldn't really keep it going. distance was just too big of a factor.

and there he is...

and here i am.... sigh.