You're just as far in as you'll ever be out - and these mistakes you made? you'll just make them again, if you only try turning around...

how do you fight the loneliness?
smile all the time?
shine your teeth to meaningless - and sharpen them with lies
and whatever's going down - will follow you around
that's how you fight loneliness
you laugh at every joke
drag your blanket blindly - and fill your heart with smoke...
and the first thing that you want - will be the last thing you ever need
that's how you fight it
just smile all the time
just smile all the time
just smile all the time

i have insomnia
i woke up to give laken a bottle and he had fever.
he's asleep again. but right after i finished with him, i had to come back to the kitchen and gather up trash that fell out of the bag that apparently, knocked itself over... and then my nose started bleeding. again. this makes three in a week.

anyway - so i'm gonna get serious. because all of a sudden, i realize it's 4 am and i'm feeling.

not really sure WHAT i'm feeling
but it's something along the lines of loneliness. and i don't want anyone to comment here and say things you think i want to hear. This is hard. i've never been so lonely in my life. and i have tons of people surrounding me. i have a roommate that cracks me up non stop, a son that just BEAMS light into my life. and i'm lonely. not alone.

there are so many things that hit the fan this past week. as i sat in my car in traffic, i realized this morning that my 10 year reunion for high school is in two years. and while i came from a small school and most of my class has done nothing... i still feel like i'm not where i should be at this stage in my life. and that thought is the equivalent of running my nails down a chalkboard. i hate it!

Today, i found out my baby sister - who is 18 years old - is pregnant. i'm disappointed. not in her. just in the way the cookie crumbles. but of course i can't say that she should've been married... or that she should've been done with school ... because i'm in the same boat. just 8 years older. and really... which is worse??

so i look around this place. my big house. and bed. and life. and realize.... it's just me in it!
and i'm aware that there are things and people and events that fill it up occasionally... but for the most part - when i am alone at three a.m. studying for a genetics test - i realize it has... and always will be just me.

and i'm not comfortable in my own skin yet. not really sure that i'm not allergic to myself. not sure that, if given the chance, i would start all over again. i say i don't have regrets... but really - don't we all? on some sub-conscious level. don't we wish... wish??

and i'm sitting here crying for no apparent reason. just to get the poison out.

i have another test this week. and while i was sitting in my Physics lab today, i realized... i don't know anything about what's going on. and that.. makes me lonely in my brain. all this information. and nowhere to go with it. nowhere to digest it. i'm just reading. taking. soaking. and regurgitating everything that's shoved down my throat for thousands of dollars a semester. and what the hell am i going to do with it? will i ever get where i'm going? Is my Medical Degree the equivalent of paris... or italy? will i ever really get there or will i... should i, just keep dreaming and settle for Disneyland?

... i'm crying
... and my nose is bleeding again

maybe it's to remind me that i'm alive. or slowly dying...

i think i've had too much of this whole life thing. i'm done. i'm tired of it. it exhausts me. and tomorrow i will tackle the same exact things that i did today. and i will complain about it again. and i will smile and laugh and drag that blanket behind me. because it's the only thing i know how to do!!! if i ever stop and look back at the things that are behind me - i'll lose sight of where i am. and that's where i am. i'm lost. i've fallen. yet again. right here. right now. and i'm not sure i'm ready to get up again. i don't want to put another dime in the slot machine. i'm tired of pulling and pulling and pulling... and nothing. i think i kinda like life from this angle anyway. looking up at everything.

so i'm gonna sit here and stare at the sky. contemplate the clouds. and whether or not now is the time... to dust myself off and get off my ass. but for now - right now - i'm at the bottom of the barrel. the bottom rung.

i'm thinking i might need a break from all of this. to embrace my loneliness and then get over it... figure out who i am at this given moment in time and if she's ready to go another round. cause honestly, what choice does she have???