waiting to exhale...

a month ago i said i'd be breathing by now
and i just want to know what i did to piss of the karma gods
i stared up at the sky the other day and threw my hands up in defeat
it's a total nightmare to wake up every.single.day and just wish you didn't have to. and it sucks because i have a child and i shouldn't be thinking that way. i called amber. needed to hear a single mommy's head. i needed to know that it's not crazy to want to throw in the towel. it's ok to want to give it all up and not DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE. i'm sure parents in general deal with this. but the emotional strain of this thing i do is so tiring. and i needed to know that i'm not crazy for being crazy and having crazy thoughts...

then there's the rest of it. if i could get all the other shit in my life straight. this wouldn't be such a big deal. so i finally get to a point where i think, "hey, things are starting to look up..."

remember that check engine light? it went off. left me alone. and then i have a bit of money i think it will be nice to put back in savings and let stew. so i'm at the Smoothie place waiting in the drive thru when my CAR EXPLODES!!!! no lie. there were no flames. we're all ok. my radiator just blew. and all this steam starts oozing out of the car. and there's anitfreeze everywhere. i hate my life!!!

and i just can't take it anymore. i am so sick of drowning in the wading pool of life. sick of it. sick of not having money to pay a bill when it's due. sick of having to push things around. sick of only going grocery shopping when my kid is at daycare because i don't want to see a family. a dad loading the kids in the car while mommy gets the bags.

and maybe you're skimming through this thinking it's a little pity party. and maybe it is. but i'll tell you what... it sure as hell isn't any fun. i won't be inviting anyone to it. sometimes i just want to die.

sometimes i hate life
sometimes i want to go to sleep and not wake up
sometimes i think i have regrets
sometimes i wish i believed in the good
sometimes i want to slap people when the tell me "it'll be ok..."
cause if it's not one thing with me... it's definitely another

and then i see laken. and those sometimes are gone.
so here i sit.
going through everyday motions just trying to stay alive
just waiting to die
just hoping that i get my son through it the best i can today
if i go down fighting... at least he knows i fought.

no matter who is in your "corner"
truth of the matter is... you're the only one wearing the gloves
you're the only one walking away from the rink with a battered face

broken spirit
spinning head

is this belt really worth it all?
is laken going to see me take hit after hit and just sit back in confusion?

argh
i'm just waiting, people!!!
i'm waiting to fucking exhale!!!!

(p.s. i've disabled comments for this post. don't want to hear the gush. i'm dealing. and there's not really a clear tone in this medium of communication. i'm really just wanting to vent. not asking for pity or blah blahbity blah comments. no offense. )